Monthly Archives: March 2013

Can you please wash my jump rope?

Standard

Like many of you out there, I do an ungodly amount of laundry. I think it is fair to say I’m doing at least 2 or 3 loads per day, some are planned and some are because something really disgusting happened.

Today I went to do one of the kids’ wash and as usual found a few mystery objects in her hamper. Its as if she didn’t know what do with random stuff so at the time it made the most sense to just throw them in the laundry basket. It made me think about all of the non-clothing items I pull out of the laundry on a daily basis. I can’t imagine if I had washed all of this stuff.

10 year old’s basket treasures

20130326-102016.jpg

2-1/2 year old’s basket treasures

20130326-102123.jpg

What weird treasures have you found in your family’s laundry baskets lately?

Advertisements

My Hour As A CSI (Crap Scene Investigator)

Standard

I promised real, no BS stories of Mommyhood so here ya’ go folks. While you read through this ridiculously detailed account of the last HOUR of my life imagine the clock ticking down with the sound affects from “24” (tick-tock-tick-tock). I hope you can relate and if not, don’t tell me because I like to think everyone has had this exact scenario happen to them.

3:00 PM – I naively try to exercise only to find out that the toddler had done her daily business 5 minutes in, and not because she told me but because the smell smacked me across the face like a mallet
3:05 PM – pressed pause, made sure infant was asleep in swing, ran toddler upstairs, changed her pull-up, had a 3 minute negotiation about Dora panties versus the Princess panties of which I won and Cinderella made her debut
3:09 PM – back downstairs pressed play, toddler drops a 2 lb weight on her foot, crying ensues, I lunge down to tell her that everything will be ok but it comes out as “suck it up” because my heart rate is back up to 147 and I’m about to stroke out
3:18PM – infant starts crying, I try to Jedi mind trick her into falling back asleep by sticking a pacifier in her mouth and surrounding her head with a soft blanket like a mummy, it doesn’t work
3:19 PM – press pause, hold the infant on my lap, comfort her, she smiles at me, my heart melts, she farts, I say “good one!”
3:20 PM – I feel wetness on my arm, I ignore it
3:21 PM – upon further investigation I look down and see an award winning blowout has occurred, I grab the baby like Mufasa grabs Simba in the Lion King as to not get poop on me, as I’m walking through the kitchen I notice the toddler had placed an uneaten red Popsicle on the counter and it has melted and spread through the tile grout about 3 feet in every direction, I swear under my breath and keep walking
3:22 PM -get upstairs and realize the damage is so bad a bath is necessary
3:40 PM – finish bath (with toddlers help so it takes twice as long), lotion her up, get her dressed and smell her deliciousness
3:43 PM – back downstairs, put baby back in swing, put everything that poop touched in laundry, go clean up Popsicle mess in kitchen
3:48 PM – go to push play again, look down at my shirt, see that poop is on it, exclaim “Awesome”
3:49 PM – run upstairs, change shirt, run back downstairs, add dirty shirt to laundry
3:55 PM – 10-year old gets home runs upstairs, comes down crying because the million year old hamster “Hami” had finally died, run upstairs, confirm Hami’s death, comforting hugs happen
4:00 PM – turn off exercise video

TOTAL MINUTES EXERCISED: 14 MINUTES
TOTAL CALORIES BURNED: 400
(my personal estimate from multiple stair runs, consistent increased heart rate and Lion King hold of 14 pound baby)

20130325-180513.jpg

S.W.O.T. Yourself!

Standard
S.W.O.T. Yourself!

I spent 17 years of my life in Marketing. I truly have a passion for it and pretty much love every part of it. I enjoy the entire process and I’m kind of a huge nerd when it comes to strategic planning and analyzing performance metrics.

So, remove this huge analytics nerd from the corporate environment and plop me in a house 24 hours a day with a bunch of untrained monkeys and you can imagine how lost I must be. So lately I’ve thought a lot about what business tools from my past life I could use to help me organize my life and become a better “Momager” of my household.

Many of you have heard of the SWOT analysis. This is a strategic tool used in almost every organization to identify Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities & Threats for a company or project. I have done hundreds of SWOTs over the years for different brands in markets all over the US. And it wasn’t until today that I realized I’d never done a SWOT of myself. I decided to do this and was amazed at the results. Getting this down on paper truly helped me set some goals both personally and for my family. And it was really fun! (I created it in about 5 minutes using a free app called iFramework HD Lite)

So I challenge you…SWOT YOURSELF! I would love to hear what you learned about yourself from doing this quick exercise. Please share in the comments section.

20130319-163557.jpg

How to not murder your children

Standard
How to not murder your children

A great big thanks to all of you who visited my inaugural post, especially to those of you who forwarded it to others and reposted it on Facebook. Not only did it get 205 views (Yay!), your comments and messages made me feel great and made me realize how fun this is going to be. But enough of the love – lets get to the murder.

I wrote the first post nearly a week ago. Then I decided to just wait. Mommy mishaps happen to me daily and sometimes hourly so I figured I would just wait for one to happen and would have to rock, paper, scissors with myself to decide what super awesome mishap story to share. Then….NOTHING. My kids didn’t do anything weird with their pee, I didn’t get the kids loaded in the car and sit in the passenger seat instead of the drivers seat, nothing. My week couldn’t have been any more ordinary. Until today.

It was a beautiful day. A lazy Sunday morning where we stayed in our pjs until well after 10am followed by a fun mid-afternoon BBQ at the in-laws. But suddenly the toddler hit an annoying level of epic proportions.

Now, those of you who have raised a devil-in-training, ahem…toddler, already know all of this. But this post will be most helpful to my expecting and new Mommy friends who are staring lovingly at their growing belly or gorgeous newborn imagining running in the park holding hands with their child, watching them in their first school play or picking daisies from a field and putting them in your hair. These things may happen, and I promise you my kids do beautiful things all of the time. But I also promise you this. There will no doubt be a moment where you will want to murder your child. This is a guarantee. And that does not make you a bad parent or need to be committed, it just makes you human. Am I right parents?

So today as my toddler was doing everything she could think of to bother us as if she’d got a book called “Annoying Tricks for Dummies” and was trying it out, it led to a final crescendo of her trying to pet my boob while I nursed her baby sister. That’s when I hit my murder-point. Enough already!

So how did I not murder her?

The Mommy Mishap 2-step guide to not murdering your children

STEP ONE – Self medicate. Now I’m not suggesting actual medication, but medication of the booze variety. I know there are moms (and dads) out there that don’t drink. I’ve just never really met one. Ever. I read the cutest post last night from a very clever blogger about a term she coined “mojito muffs”. These are beer goggles for grown ups. You should really check it out at The Pursuit of Normal – Mojito Muffs. Basically the key here is that even one little cocktail after a hard day can make it all seem a little better.

STEP TWO – Just wait for them to do something freakin’ adorable. And this always happens. For me tonight it was when my daughter stood in front of us and sang a song loud and proud. Obnoxious, yes. But also completely adorable and it immediately made the stress go away.

20130317-203524.jpg

One Crazy Mom Goes Public

Standard
One Crazy Mom Goes Public

Hello friends. Welcome to my very first blog. This is a momentous occasion for me because I have always wanted to create a forum to share the hilarious stories that happen in my daily life. Most people who will read this know me pretty well already but eventually I hope that this can be a place that other Moms can come to find reassurance that they are not crazy and not alone.

I am a 39-year-old stay-at-home Mom who just recently left the corporate world where I spent 17 years as a Marketing executive. I am what I consider to be a “modern” woman. I am on my second (and thankfully super happy) marriage. We have a yours, mine and ours situation with our 4 daughters. My husband has a 12-year-old daughter, I have a 10-year-old daughter, and together we have two more girls (2-1/2 and 12 weeks). My husband travels frequently for work, usually around 4 days per week, so I have gone through a dramatic shift from full-time Marketing Director to an around the clock Mommy.

With that dramatic lifestyle shift I often find myself in the most hilarious situations. They don’t always seem funny at the time but I have a knack for finding the humor in weird situations. I also am a self-professed over-sharer. I post things to Facebook way too often, I send too many daily pictures to my mother and I still text my former colleagues almost daily. I just simply find the things that happen to me too awesome not to share (humble, right?).

And I have searched the blogosphere for other people who share my same appreciation for all things wacky. If for no other reason than to make myself feel like I’m not alone. But most of the ladies out there are way too Martha Stewart for me. I can’t relate to them. They are either really creepy Pinterest-perfect, skinny Supermoms or maybe they are just completely fabricated and they secretly go in their closet at the end of the day and get in the fetal position. (No offense to perfect people). Either way, I’m hoping if you find yourself here you can read a story that you can relate to. No BS, no sugar-coating. Just real life stuff. And maybe my daily life stories can help you get through a situation or maybe just smile a little.

To set the stage, here are 10 things to know about me:

1. I am a domestic failure (I’m a terrible cook & house cleaner).
2. I changed 8 diapers in the first 4 hours I was awake today.
3. I wouldn’t survive without Vatorade (Vodka & Orange Gatorade).
4. Everything I wrote for the last 2-1/2 years was beautifully edited by my co-worker and friend Sarah (that is my formal apology for any and all grammar or editorial flow issues in this and all future posts).
5. I have a huge crush on my husband.
6. One of my best friends is my mother-in-law.
7. I watched the entire season of Paradise Hotel 2 in one day with a friend.
8. My favorite song is Purple Rain.
9. I am a mini-extreme couponer.
10. It is 3:10pm, my toddler is taking a nap for the first time in 3 weeks and I’m typing this instead of showering.

So there you go. Don’t judge me. šŸ™‚

More to come……