Monthly Archives: April 2013

I Hit 1,000 Views – And other things that have happened to me 1,000 times

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I just hit 1,000 views on my little blog!!! I can’t believe it. I’m so thankful that you all have taken the time to read my rants. It has been ridiculously fun writing these posts and extremely therapeutic for my brain. I know some of my favorite blogs probably hit this milestone every day but since I just started a month ago I’m excited and truly can’t thank you all enough.

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Because I’m a huge nerd and love tracking performance metrics I’m constantly watching my blog stats. So I can tell you all that you prefer to read about me controlling my urge to not murder my children and that you enjoy hearing about me getting pooped on. So, more of those stories in the future – which shouldn’t be a problem since those types of things happen to me with great regularity.

Hitting that big number made me think about everything else I am thankful for and what other things have happened in my life 1,000 times. Like:

1,000 hugs that I have been blessed enough to get from my kids over the last 10 years.

1,000 times I have thanked God that my husband came into my life at just the right time.

1,000 times I’ve texted pictures to my Mom of everything from my toddler’s first poo in the potty to my 10-year olds first daddy/daughter dance.

1,000 diapers changed over the last several years. Yes, I’m thankful for diapers. A doctor told me once I probably wouldn’t have children and here I am with a bunch of them so I’m thankful I even have dirty diapers to change.

1,000 days since my 10-year old has been sick. Seriously, not even a cold.

1,000 hours that I have been able to be with my kids instead of working since December. I’m SO lucky to be a SAHM. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

Photo credit: Frank B – reiki path.org

Monthly Mommy Mishap Recap

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I started this blog originally as an outlet to share the crazy stuff I find myself doing as I manage being a busy mom. This will be my first recap of my top favorite mishaps that occurred recently. Welcome to the first MONTHLY MOMMY MISHAP RECAP. Welcome to my world.

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GRAND THEFT AUTO
I came out to my car after picking up something at Walgreens and realized I had left it running while I was in there with the kids. I’m so lucky it didn’t get stolen. Especially since it was my husband’s car.

CRASH!
Literally. I crashed my husbands car. Technically it was a tiny fender bender and I only broke a fog lamp but again, it was my husband’s car and a major mishap.

POTTY MOUTH
While bowling with a friend of mine and all 6 of our kids I finally got a spare because I used a 12 lb ball instead of the kids’ 7 lb ball. Forgetting my audience I shouted, “I should’ve known I just needed bigger balls.” I thought it was hilarious until I realized I was surrounded by children. Oops.

DANGER ZONE
My toddler likes to help me cook and sits on the counter while I prepare food. I am a pretty terrible cook so I always am pretty chaotic in the kitchen. I had used a pair of very dull plastic children’s scissors to open a bag because I couldn’t find our regular scissors. As I walked away from the kitchen for a second to tend to the newborn I saw out of the corner of my eye that the toddler was inching dangerously close to the stove and I yelled, “No! don’t touch! It’s hot over there! Just play with your scissors.” Play with scissors? Really? That was my solution to not having to rush to a burn unit?

THAT DOESN’T GO THERE
I’m convinced that baby brain doesn’t go away after the baby comes out. Proof of that is that I constantly find things in places they don’t go and I know I’m to blame. This month my favorites were finding the bag of almonds in the fridge and my favorite black bra in the newborn’s sock drawer.

Did any of you have any Mommy Mishaps recently?

5 Foods a Modern Mom Can’t Live Without

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I want to preface this by saying that these recommendations on their own are in no way endorsed by the FDA. I also can admit that these items and my inability to have self-control over stuffing them in my pie hole most definitely are the leading reasons why I can’t lose the 15 pounds I desperately want to lose before our Puerto Rico trip in June. But as a SAHM these are staples that I think we can all agree are necessary evils.

1. COFFEE
All moms know that this is a major food group. I have one iced coffee every morning and I’m pretty sure that it has life-saving properties. One of my favorite blog names that I’ve ever come across (and you should definitely check out) is Eating coffee straight from the bag. Because mainlining coffee is preposterous. Ain’t that the truth. I have a serious love affair going on with iced coffee. Iced coffee is my Boo.

2. WHITE TRASH GRILLED CHEESE
How can you make grilled cheese any more WT then it already is, you ask? Easy. This is for days when you don’t even want to turn on the stove or dirty a plate. Toast 2 pieces of bread in a toaster. Put your cheese inside bread and microwave for 15 seconds. It’s done in all of 2 minutes and trust me, a toddler can’t tell that there’s no butter on there.

3. YOGURT
There is rarely a time when we don’t have a ton of yogurt in the fridge. Most importantly, it’s healthy. But also I can get flavors like orangesickle, boston cream pie, strawberry shortcake & key lime which seem to get my kids excited. They LOVE yogurt and my friend Joanna gave me the coolest trick to keep it clean and avoid the inevitable yogurt-in-the-hair scenario. Just poke a hole in the top of the yogurt, cut a straw in 1/2 and stick it in. Your kid can just walk around sippin’ on yogurt. No mess!

4. GOLDFISH
This of course is another food group. How could we live without goldfish? I used to naively buy the small paper bag of these every time I went to the store. But as soon as I realized that we were inevitably going to own stock in Pepperidge Farms I started buying the big daddy cartons. While I admit we have found those uneaten little buggers hiding in some of the weirdest places (like Ferbie’s mouth), they also have saved us from some potentially embarrassing social situations. They are like tiny pieces of duct tape over your little one’s mouth.

5. PASTA ROSES
Spaghetti – Borrrrrrring! But buy a pasta that looks like a rose and let your child make them into red roses with pasta sauce and this is a home run, especially if you have little girls. Pasta Roses is actually just campanelle pasta and is a hit at my house. Easy, yummy & fun.

I would love for you to add to this list. What are the foods on your “can’t live without them” list?

Please read my article in the just released Spring issue of Healthstyle Magazine

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I would like to invite you all to read an article that I recently wrote for my good friends at Healthstyle Magazine. It will completely change your life. OK, it might not completely change your life but you can find some very helpful tips on keeping your family healthy and organized. Click on the link below and you’ll find my article on Page 28. I would love to get feedback from all of you on the article.

READ HERE Mommy Knows Best: One mom’s guide to ultimate health & wellness

And while you are there please take a moment to check out the rest of the magazine. Healthstyle always has such interesting, helpful and entertaining content and their Spring issue is the best one yet! Find other great articles including:

– A feature on the amazing Natalie Strand
– 8 Super Easy Health Tips
– Surprising Health Conditions Treated By Chiropractic
– How to Add Springtime Flair to Your Recipe Book

Is Your Pickle a Microphone?

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All of us who have a toddler (or have had a toddler) know that these little creatures are by far the most creative little people that walk the planet. One day several weeks ago I walked into the kitchen to see my daughter singing loud and proud into the pickle from her lunch. As absurd as it was that she looked at the little green thing on her plate and thought, “hmmmmm…I should sing into this” it was perhaps even more absurd that I actually asked her, “is your pickle a microphone?” She looked at me perplexed like it was such a ridiculous question and said, “yes” and kept on singing.

So over the last couple of weeks I’ve collected as many of these moments as I could where she is using an item for something other than its intended use. There are so many that I couldn’t capture (like when she used the paper plate package as a steering wheel to make the shopping cart her own race car) as well as those that I refused to capture (like when she told me my booby space makes a good sippy cup holder). But here are a few nuggets for you to enjoy. Creativity at its finest, toddler-style.

THIS BUMBO MAKES A GREAT HAT (Bonus for also wearing a headband as a necklace)

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THIS DIAPER GENIE BAG IS A GREAT PLACE FOR MY BABY TO MEET HER UNTIMELY DEATH

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THIS SQUIRT BOTTLE IS A SUPER FUN DRINKING FOUNTAIN

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THIS GREEN ONION IS A CHINESE FINGER TRAP

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THIS JELLYFISH MAKES A GREAT CLEANING SPONGE (Note: I did not complain because she washed the entire tub with it)

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MY BABY SISTER’S PACK N PLAY MAKES A GOOD FORT

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How getting keys cut changed my whole day

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I often joke that I have an invisible tattoo on my forehead that only a few people can see. The tattoo says “TELL ME YOUR LIFE STORY” and it can only be seen by homeless people, bitter women, dirty old men and people with speech challenges. I love people and I love to talk but sometimes having this tattoo is a burden especially when I’m in a hurry and I’m dragging my 3 daughters behind me while Mr. 70-year old Tommy Bahama Knock-off Gold Chain Guy wants to tell me how beautiful my daughters are and then launches into how he has daughters, what they do for a living, how his youngest daughters husband is a jobless douche, how he hates their mother because she became nasty after her hysterectomy, Blah, blah, blah. No joke…these are the types of things strangers tell me.

But every once in a while my “TELL ME YOUR LIFE STORY” tattoo brings about an experience that changes the direction of my entire day. Today it was a lady in her late 50s (lets call her Mary) that I met while waiting in line at Ace Hardware to get keys cut. I instantly had my guard up when she turned around to talk to me. I knew Mary could see my tattoo because her speech was very bad and I noticed she was struggling moving her right arm so I assumed she maybe had suffered a stroke. She instantly engaged with the baby. Talking to her in her choppy speech pattern and grabbing the Elmo doll out of the stroller and bouncing it around in front of her face asking her in slurred words to give her a smile.

Now normally I would go into mama bear mode if some stranger got that close to my baby but she was careful not to touch her face and she was being very sweet so I made an exception and decided not to go rogue on her.

And that is when the magic happened.

Mary told me her most tragic and beautiful life story. She has a daughter, now 30, who is expecting her first baby. She was telling me about how my baby’s chubby cheeks reminded me of her little miracle baby’s cheeks. When Mary was 16 she was in a terrible car accident. She was in a coma for 4-1/2 months. When she woke from the coma she knew nothing. She had suffered a severe brain injury and had to relearn everything including talking, walking, and even who her family was. She spent years in hospitals all over the valley and despite her challenges she eventually graduated high school, fell in love and got married, and had a child which the doctors said would be impossible. And now in the fall she will be a grandmother. Her father has Alzheimer’s and she was at Ace hardware getting some glass cut for a frame while waiting for him to be done at the doctor. She was so positive with a lack of bitterness that I found so miraculous and inspiring. She had her cane rested gently in her shopping cart and had to use her left hand to lift up her right hand to put her headband back on her head when it fell off. All while telling me a story of hope and miracles. Amazing.

This morning my baby woke up at an unusual 5:20am, my toddler accidentally took a dump in the bath tub, my 10-year old left for school without making her bed after promising to do it, and I was missing my husband terribly. But just 10 minutes with Mary changed my whole perspective and attitude. I’m having a blessed day, thankful for the miracles that I have had happen in my life. I will likely never see Mary again but hope in some cosmic way she knows what kind of impact she had on this frazzled Mommy.

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photo credit: DIYlol.com

25-year-old vs. 35-year-old purse

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Picture this. One day about a year ago, I was sitting in my office digging for something in my purse. And by office I mean a 10′ x 10′ sweat box that had wall-to-wall desks and cabinets and housed 4 other members of my team. It was tight but I loved it. We bonded in that tiny room and became like family.

But back to the purse. To this day I can’t remember what I was searching for but I was pulling things out one by one to find the mystery object. Out loud I remember saying something like “Seriously, who has all this crap in their purse?” as I was pulling out diapers, a baby spoon, a dirty sock. And my adorable and hilarious 25-year-old co-worker said “Oh, you want to do this?”

And so the challenge began. Alternating back and forth we pulled out one object from our purse at a time and cried laughing at the differences between what a 25-year-old needs and what a 35-year-old needs (by the way I was 38 at the time but I love that she made me 35 in the image, that is such a marketing person thing to do).

So here ya go folks. The side-by-side comparison of the contents of our purses.

How old are you and what’s the weirdest thing you have in your purse right now?

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Girls Night Out Makes Me Sweat

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Tuesday, 5:45pm

I’m in a bright green taxi cab right now on the way to meet a dear friend of mine for a night out to celebrate her 40th birthday while she is in town from Northern California. I’m as gussied up as I can get but I’m literally sweating to death from getting ready and I started getting ready 2 hours ago!

Here are the reasons a girls night out makes me sweat:

1. It has been over a year since I’ve had a ladies night. (SWEAT!)

2. I tried on not one but SIX pairs of pants until I found ones that were comfortable enough to wear out. I had my baby in December and just recently ditched the maternity pants so this was an extremely challenging task. (SWEAT!)

3. I straightened my hair and did my make up. As a stay at home mom this hasn’t happened in ummm….ummmmm….let’s just say a long while. (SWEAT!)

4. I actually had to think about my boobs before I went out. And sadly not in the same way I thought about them in my 20’s. No, I had to basically go to second base with myself to judge (a) do I feed the baby one more time before I leave? (b) is it just me or is one significantly larger than the other right now? (SWEAT!)

5. I’ve been fantasizing about sticking my face in a plate of enchiladas ever since my friend said our night should begin with Mexican food. (SWEAT!)

6. I just stepped into a bright green cab while all the other neighborhood moms and dads were gathered across the street with their children staring at me which basically shouts “hey look at me suburb neighbors, I’m going to get my drink on tonight.” Classy! (SWEAT!)

7. I had to dig deep in my memory from high school and figure out how to accurately calculate how many drinks per hour I could have, what types of drinks I should have and how often I should have them, how many waters to drink in between and when to stop. These kind of mathematical formulas are only necessary at my age and when I must wake up refreshed for my kids. (SWEAT!)

Wednesday, 6:45am

I’m happy to report that last night was a blast. Great women, great conversation, great food, great music and even a blue martini with a glow stick in it. And I’m now sitting here snuggling the baby feeling so blessed about my life. NO SWEAT!

Happy birthday Katal!

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