1. It is a 100% guarantee one of my kids will want something from another one of my kids, they won’t get it, the kid that has the thing will purposely withhold the thing so that the kid without the thing will end up crying. Both kids will interrupt our call to tell me their side of the story. Telling them I’m on the phone and to work it out themselves only fuels their argument and both of them will probably cry.
2. Someone in my house will do one or a combination of the following things: poop, choke, cry or hurt themselves. I will try to rectify this situation while still talking to you but I probably will lose track of what I’m saying or more likely what you’re saying.
3. My toddler (who has watched Spongebob silently for the last 45 minutes) will suddenly find it imperative that she sings a song full of complete nonsense about bugs or her birthday or a bug’s birthday or something equally ridiculous. She will sing this loudly and obnoxiously until I scream (likely in your ear) or laugh (also likely in your ear).
4. At some point in our conversation I will probably have to pee. Depending on who you are I might just pee with you on the phone. Do not take this as a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. The more I pee, the more I love you.
5. About 5 minutes in you will regret your decision to call me and not your mother. At least when calling mom it is completely silent in the background and you can complete a sentence.