Monthly Archives: December 2013

Friends don’t let their friends take selfies after 40 (a HOW TO guide for us slightly older people)

Standard

According to USA today, Oxford has named “selfie” as the 2013 word of the year. If you are a participant on any type of social media be it Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, you can not avoid the selfie. But not all people should take these conveniently posed, over-filtered, fish-lipped photos.

I mean let’s face it, these pics aren’t usually a true representation of how we look yet I can tolerate that from a young 20-something because they are still hot. Where I feel a bit more uncomfortable is seeing Geraldo Rivera or the Pope taking selfies (they both do by the way). There needs to be a selfie age limit set and enforced by congress. But since that is not likely to happen, I am providing a step-by-step guide on how to take the perfect over-40 selfie so as not to embarrass yourself in front of your peers or for gods sake your children.

Step 1: Don’t get ready, you don’t have to. You will filter the crap out of your photo later so no prep is involved.

Step 2: Lay down onto your pillow on the right side of your face. No need to move any of the laundry piles or leftover holiday gift wrap on the other side of the bed. It’ll be blurred to oblivion shortly.

Step 3: Tuck your double chin under the right side of your face or into the neck of your shirt, whichever is more convenient and the least painful.

Step 4: Arrange your hair to frame your face. It is ok if your hair is dirty. In fact it’s ok if one of your children touched it with grape jelly hands 30 minutes earlier. It will not show once we are done.

Step 5: Grab your phone, stretch your arm up and to the left until you pull a muscle in your neck and snap a picture.

Steps 6 – 17: Continuously look at and reshoot the picture 12 times until you don’t look completely like death and you are happy with the Step 3 chin-tucking.

Step 18: Delete all of the pictures except your favorite one while pausing on each one first and wondering where your youth went, when you got crows feet and why you still get zits.

Step 19: Crop your picture so that your head is slightly off-screen.

Step 20: Convert your picture to black & white. Older people look better without color, don’t fight it…it’s science.

Step 21: Use a filtering tool phone app like Photoshop Express to filter the living hell out of the photo. Red nose from sinus infection? No problem, just overexpose the sucker and put such a massive glow on it so that your nose completely disappears. Who needs a nose anyway really?

Step 22: Sit back and enjoy your ghostly handy work. Make a cocktail. Drink it while you look at how youthful this picture makes you appear.

Step 23: Have your masterpiece blasted through social media and make it your profile picture so anyone searching you isn’t quite sure if it is you or not because they seem to remember you having a nose.

And here is a sample of this magnificent process:

20131231-162933.jpg

I hope that my fellow 40+ers have found this guide helpful and will keep it in mind next time you think it is ok to take a picture of your reflection looking back at you in your bathroom mirror making duck lips with a low cut shirt on.
Thank you.

15 Airport Observations

Standard

20131228-173035.jpg
1. Relative to the people at gate B2, I am super skinny

2. Americans don’t brush their hair

3. Not everyone in a wheelchair needs to be in one

4. I feel an overwhelming urge to check the authenticity of anyone I see carrying Louis Vuitton luggage

5. Children fall into only one of 2 categories: charming or nightmare

6. Married couples after the age of 50 start to look remarkably like each other

7. The smile to scowl ratio is 1:9

8. Airport lattes are made using bath water

9. I am super nosy and have to fight the urge to join in conversations with complete strangers

10. After Christmas everyone has a new hoodie

11. If I’m staring into your eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time and we don’t know each other then I am probably trying to figure out how you get your eyeliner so perfect

12. If any man, woman or child makes a stinky every person within a 10-foot radius will investigate with their nose and discuss with only their eyes

13. There are no blonde pilots

14. If Glade came out with an air freshener that was hot soft pretzel scent I would buy it in bulk

15. We will all die from coughing….eventually.

photo: serendipitylabs.com

The Cleanliness of My House (Fantasy vs. Reality)

Standard

I am a complete neat freak. My motto when it comes to the home is “a place for everything and everything in its place”. My family is coming into town this weekend and as usual there isn’t much I have to do to get ready because my house could pass the white glove test. You could also eat off of the polished floors and it’s impossible to tell I have kids because toys are nestled away in their toy boxes and color-coded & labeled bins. Laundry is done, dishes are clean and as usual my house smells like cinnamon sugar this time of year. Here are pictures of my bedroom and kitchen to prove what I’m talking about. Clean! Clean! Clean!

20131213-142842.jpg

20131213-142901.jpg
Bwaaah haaaah haaaa! FANTASY!

Are you on crack?!?! We have 4 kids!!! If my house looked like that all of the time I would be some sort of magical stay-at-home princess fairy. How could I keep it that clean when 90% of my day is spent arguing with a 3-year old about why she can’t have 5 peanut butter cups and the other 10% of my time is walking around picking up peanut butter cup wrappers. And toys? Sad to say, but I could replace the entire city of Who-Ville’s stolen presents. And none of them are ever put away. EVER. I sing the clean up song 436 times a day. My life is like Groundhog Day. Every night the house is clean for when my husband gets home and then by 8am it looks like a bomb went off and I have to start all over again.

So, folks. Drum roll please…..this is what my house looked like 2 hours ago. REALITY!

20131213-143037.jpg

20131213-143047.jpg

I envy those people who truly do have a clean house all of the time. I myself find it impossible and hope that sharing my reality might make you feel just a little better about the condition of your house right this second. It’s ok. My kids are happy. My husband did not marry me for my domestic abilities. So all is good.

Now I better stop blogging so I can go figure out how to make my house smell like cinnamon sugar because that sounds awesome.

“I have your stroller.” ~text I got from a lady in my new mom’s group

Standard

20131206-133735.jpg

Sometimes being a mom of multiple children proves to be a challenge for my tiny little brain. I’m not sure whether it is permanent damage from so many years of pregnancy brain, the early onset of sometimers, or maybe I’ve always been this absent-minded. Either way, I swear I’m getting stupider (see what I did there?).

Today’s brilliant mommy mishap occurred while attending a Mom’s group function. We just moved to a new state where we have no friends or family so the local mommy groups have been a great way for me to meet new people. Today’s particular group is full of bright, positive women and we all got to show off our children at the end. I’m so proud of my kids. They are reasonably well behaved, super cute and charming and only one of them was covered in cupcake frosting today. So proud as a peacock I left the function thinking what a nice time I had spending the whole morning with my new mom friends and how well my children behaved.

I packed up the giant suburban as I usually do. Baby first (making sure her pacifier was in her mouth), my crap second (purse, baby bag, toddler’s artwork covered in glitter with only 1/2 dried glue, a Christmas ornament I made, and a bottled water), and then finally the toddler (making sure her seat belt was secure and Ice Age was playing in the DVD player for our drive). Phewwww! Done. I hopped in the car and headed home.

And that’s when I got the text:

“I have your stroller. :)”

Dear Lord!!! I drove right off with the stroller sitting in the parking lot. Clearly I didn’t look behind me as I was driving off. Luckily the fantastic woman who got it for me was one of the 2 people that we have had a play date with so at least I know her a little. But after 30 seconds of being embarrassed I started laughing hysterically. I LEFT A STROLLER ABANDONED IN THE PARKING LOT OF A MOM’S GROUP!!! That is hilarious! My text back was this.

“At least one of my kids wasn’t still in it.”

I learned 2 valuable lessons from this experience:
1) Laugh at yourself and your imperfections. The laugh I had today was so refreshing and it got my toddler laughing too. We laughed all the way on the drive to pick up the poor abandoned stroller.
2) When pretending to be the perfect mom, don’t drive off with anything left outside of your car, kids or otherwise.

Happy Friday folks. I hope that my mishap is the worst that happened to all of us today.