According to USA today, Oxford has named “selfie” as the 2013 word of the year. If you are a participant on any type of social media be it Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, you can not avoid the selfie. But not all people should take these conveniently posed, over-filtered, fish-lipped photos.
I mean let’s face it, these pics aren’t usually a true representation of how we look yet I can tolerate that from a young 20-something because they are still hot. Where I feel a bit more uncomfortable is seeing Geraldo Rivera or the Pope taking selfies (they both do by the way). There needs to be a selfie age limit set and enforced by congress. But since that is not likely to happen, I am providing a step-by-step guide on how to take the perfect over-40 selfie so as not to embarrass yourself in front of your peers or for gods sake your children.
Step 1: Don’t get ready, you don’t have to. You will filter the crap out of your photo later so no prep is involved.
Step 2: Lay down onto your pillow on the right side of your face. No need to move any of the laundry piles or leftover holiday gift wrap on the other side of the bed. It’ll be blurred to oblivion shortly.
Step 3: Tuck your double chin under the right side of your face or into the neck of your shirt, whichever is more convenient and the least painful.
Step 4: Arrange your hair to frame your face. It is ok if your hair is dirty. In fact it’s ok if one of your children touched it with grape jelly hands 30 minutes earlier. It will not show once we are done.
Step 5: Grab your phone, stretch your arm up and to the left until you pull a muscle in your neck and snap a picture.
Steps 6 – 17: Continuously look at and reshoot the picture 12 times until you don’t look completely like death and you are happy with the Step 3 chin-tucking.
Step 18: Delete all of the pictures except your favorite one while pausing on each one first and wondering where your youth went, when you got crows feet and why you still get zits.
Step 19: Crop your picture so that your head is slightly off-screen.
Step 20: Convert your picture to black & white. Older people look better without color, don’t fight it…it’s science.
Step 21: Use a filtering tool phone app like Photoshop Express to filter the living hell out of the photo. Red nose from sinus infection? No problem, just overexpose the sucker and put such a massive glow on it so that your nose completely disappears. Who needs a nose anyway really?
Step 22: Sit back and enjoy your ghostly handy work. Make a cocktail. Drink it while you look at how youthful this picture makes you appear.
Step 23: Have your masterpiece blasted through social media and make it your profile picture so anyone searching you isn’t quite sure if it is you or not because they seem to remember you having a nose.
And here is a sample of this magnificent process:
I hope that my fellow 40+ers have found this guide helpful and will keep it in mind next time you think it is ok to take a picture of your reflection looking back at you in your bathroom mirror making duck lips with a low cut shirt on.