Monthly Archives: January 2014

Please read my latest “Mommy Knows Best” article in Healthstyle Magazine

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My friends at Healthstyle Magazine have done it yet again. The just released Winter issue is packed full of wonderful health hints, lifestyle tips, recipes and more!

This time the article I contributed (which begins on Page 26 – click to read here) is about how participating in fun outdoor activities with your children can help both you and your kiddos burn calories while having fun and bonding at the same time. My beautiful stepdaughter Maura assisted me by modeling and participating in the activities with me. It turned out super cute.

Some of the other interesting articles in this issue:

– How to beat arthritis for good
– Delicious and healthy breakfast recipes
– 6 surprising energy boosters
– How a former Arizona mayor is helping change the healthcare industry

Thanks again for reading!!!!!

My Anti-Bucket List (12 things I DON’T want to do before I die)

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We’ve all heard of the bucket list. I have a dear friend from childhood that checked one off of her list this weekend by running her first half marathon. I was really proud of her and after I got over my initial jealousy I realized that much like resolutions bucket list items require action, discipline and follow through. Those 3 things suck for me.

So instead I made my Anti-Bucket List. This list is comprised of things which require no action at all. Only a dedication to spending my entire life making sure they absolutely never, ever, ever happen. I am committed to this list whole heartedly.

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My Anti-Bucket List

1. Do Sizzurp with Justin Bieber and his posse
Since I’m not 100% sure I even understand what Sizzurp is I think I should probably just steer clear of it. So I’m sorry JB, if I happen to run into you at one of the 3 places I go and you and Lil Twist are looking to party lean-style with a 40-year-old housewife you are out of luck buddy. Can’t do it.

2. Get a tattoo
I actually love tattoos. I think they are a beautiful, expressive art. But somehow I think a tattoo would look wildly ridiculous on me. Like that time in 8th grade I dyed my hair jet black for Halloween and it stayed that way for over a month. It just doesn’t work. Plus, I’m sure I would end up getting something silly like “I heart my Roomba” and regret it forever.

3. Break one of my children’s hearts
I know it is inevitable that my kids will have their hearts broken at least once in their lifetime. I just will make for damn sure it isn’t because of me. I’ve had my heart broken by a parent and I will not repeat the cycle. Period.

4. Be broke
Let’s face it, having money is awesome. I remember being young and struggling to pay my bills. It sucked pretty bad. So while I don’t want to put too much importance on having a lot of money, I know myself well enough to know I want to have lots and lots of it.

5. Have a saggy neck
This is a new obsession for me. It must be because I turned 40 but the other day I found myself googling “home remedies to avoid saggy neck”. No joke. And then I browsed the image library of saggy neck pictures. This one obviously requires a tiny bit of action except I’m trying to make it as easy as possible and find something in my pantry I can just rub on it so there is little commitment.

6. Get a shark bite
This just seems like an incredibly painful thing to have happen and I’ve been through childbirth 3 times! I think I’d rather just avoid open water as much as possible and let the sharks enjoy their home turf in peace.

7. Pee my pants
I’ve done this twice. 4th grade at my front door as I ran home from the bus stop (I almost made it) and 6 months pregnant when I sneezed standing alone in a shopping mall. Two times is enough for me. My accidental peeing days are over until I have an adult diaper on and can just go on about my day.

8. Have a wicked hangover
Hangovers are for the young. When I was 20 I could get up the next day and rally as long as I had a breakfast burrito. When I was 30 I could get up and rally the next evening as long as I had a breakfast burrito and a Bloody Mary. As 40 drew near though I realized that hangovers last days and I have too many children and too many responsibilities to dedicate that much time to being ill. I finally know my limits. And by limits I mean I drink a limited amount of booze all of the time.

9. Go to a Nascar race
I just don’t want to.

10. Break a bone or get a cavity
I have never done either of these and I want to keep this streak going forever. I am extremely accident prone so this one is a bit hairy to add to my list but I think I can do it.

11. Get stuck in a shirt in a dressing room
If this has ever happened to you then you know how terrifying it is. If you haven’t, well it’s freaking terrifying. There have been a couple of times where I literally felt like Houdini attempting to break out of a straight jacket. It’s awful and will never happen again.

12. Fall in love again
I am one of the lucky ones who has been blessed to find the love of my life and my soulmate. And as far as I’m concerned we will die very old in bed together holding hands like Noah and Allie did in The Notebook. Since it’s on my anti-bucket list and this is public, I expect that to be a confirmation that it will happen exactly as I wish.

So…..what is on your Anti-Bucket list? Please share in the comments.

QUIZ: How lazy of a mother are you?

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One of the most common comments I get on my blog and Facebook posts is that I say things about motherhood that other moms are thinking. I like that. A lot. I have no problem talking openly about where I excel at motherhood and where I gloriously and epically fail at it. With that said, I have developed this super-scientific 8 question quiz to help you determine “how lazy of a mom you are”. Keep track of your answers and I will give you a completely unqualified analysis at the end. Enjoy!

1. Someone is just about to come over to your house and at the last minute you walk by the couch, look down and notice 4 Cheerios that have been stepped on and crushed on the floor. You:

A. Grab a broom & dustpan and quickly sweep up the mess.
B. Point it out to the dog and let him lick it up.
C. Quickly kick the debris under the couch and tell yourself you will go back and sweep it up later.

2. How often do you shave your legs?

A. Every day. If there is a chance your partner might touch them you always want your legs to be ready.
B. 2-3 times per week. It doesn’t grow that much in a couple of days anyway.
C. Your razor misses you. It’s winter for god’s sake and you wear pants everyday anyway so who really cares.

3. There is a strange white goo on your baby’s cheek. You:

A. Go grab a baby wipe and gently clean it off.
B. Grab the paper towel that is sitting on the coffee table from last night and wipe it off.
C. Use your hand to wipe it off, smell it and then wipe it on your pants.

4. You are driving to the corner store to pick something up. It’s cold and the kids are bundled up. You do not have to drive on any main roads to reach the store. You:

A. Strap all of the kids into their 5-point harness safety seats even though you practically cut your hands trying to get the buckles done because their clothes are so puffy.
B. Put all of the kids in their seats but only strap the shoulder straps. You’re only going about 500 yards so that is plenty of protection.
C. You make sure the baby is properly restrained but the other kids get to sit wherever they want. You’ll probably be going a max of 15 mph and they are big enough to survive any catastrophes that might happen at that speed.

5. You are completely exhausted because you only got a few hours of sleep the night before. Your toddler wants you to read him a bedtime story and picks a book that is very long. You:

A. Read him the entire book. This is precious time with your little one and you can always sleep some other time.
B. Spend 5 minutes talking him into a board book with big pictures and little to no words because it is a “much better story”.
C. Read the book that he chose but completely make up pretend transitions so you are essentially skipping every other page. He can’t read so as long as what you say matches the pictures, this plan gets you to bed in less than 5 minutes.

6. Which chicken dinner would your family most likely eat tonight?

A. Roasted Asparagus and Swiss stuffed Chicken Breast seasoned with fresh herbs picked from your garden and rice pilaf.
B. Shredded southwestern salsa chicken that you tossed in the crockpot this morning served in flour tortillas.
C. Microwaved chicken nuggets with a piece of fruit and a yogurt.

7. Your ideal vacation is:

A. A four day all-inclusive trip to Disneyland with the kiddos complete with breakfasts with Mickey and princess makeovers.
B. A four day camping trip in the Pines where you sing songs and have s’mores by the campfire and teach the kids how to fish by the lake.
C. A four day tropical vacation to Hawaii alone with your spouse while the kids stay at home with your in-laws.

8. The contents of your car are most closely represented by which list below:

A. Phone charger, a few loose coins, Kleenex.
B. Phone charger, a few loose coins, Kleenex, a child’s jacket, a stroller, an empty bag from taking in your dry cleaning and 2 toys.
C. Phone charger, a few loose coins, Kleenex, a child’s jacket, a stroller, an empty bag from taking in your dry cleaning, 6 toys, 3 candy wrappers, an empty starbucks cup, 2 empty water bottles, an umbrella, a pacifier, a hat and something brown and sticky on the floor that you think was once a french fry.

NOW……Simply count up the total of A’s you answered, then B’s, then C’s. Which did you answer to most of the questions? Then read the results below to find out more about “how lazy of a mother you are”.

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If you answered mostly A: You are a supermom and are so rare that you rank up up there with unicorns and the Yetti. It is true that you and your entire family look gorgeous every time you step out in public but be cautious of how much the unneeded pressure to be perfect is putting on everyone including yourself. Give yourself a break. Lighten up. Don’t shower all day for just one day and stay in your pjs. It will not harm you, I promise. As much as our kids crave structure they also need to grow up knowing how to relax. So tomorrow morning pop some ego mini pancakes into the microwave instead of making homemade blueberry pancakes shaped like hearts for your kiddos. You can use the “saved” 1/2 hour later to take a bubble bath, read a chapter of a book or paint your toenails. You deserve it Momma! You know you do.

If you answered mostly B: Congratulations! You are completely vanilla. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with vanilla though. Vanilla is delicious. The best part of being vanilla is that you are level-headed enough to be excellent at picking your battles. You step up when you need to and are incredibly reliable. Everyone loves you. Just be careful to not get stuck in a rut by daring yourself to step outside of your comfort zone from time to time and either bake an apple pie from scratch or have a water balloon fight with the neighborhood kids.

If you answered mostly C: Wowza! You are a hot mess. And while I don’t have any data to support this I would bet money that a good 85% of us moms fall in this category at least 85% of the time. The good news is that the kids probably don’t even notice you are so frazzled because despite the hidden Cheerios and hairy legs they only see you as a great and loving mom. So it’s ok to feel good about what you are doing. And definitely don’t stress about not being supermom because instead you are a SUPER mom!

SOOOOOOO, which one are you? Please let me know in the comments section.

Photo credits: dreamstime.com, blogs.imediaconnection.com, littlewritermomma.com

Kimye’s Instagram Photos Recreated by a Suburban Housewife

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In order to create this post I first have to do the obvious and admit I follow the Kardashians on Instagram. Well, I do. So let’s all just collectively get over it.

I have no idea what it must be like to be Kim Kardashian. The angel in me hopes that she is really happy and fulfilled and is enjoying both marriage and motherhood to the fullest. The devil in me loves how out of touch she seems to be with the real world and I take pure joy in seeing the ludicrous things she posts on social media. I love it. I mean, I really love it. It is high comedy.

So, because I obviously have too much time on my hands I have lately taken to recreating some of Kim’s Instagram gems as reinterpreted by me, a suburban housewife.

Please enjoy the side-by-side comparisons below. And Dear Lord I sure hope you can tell which ones are hers and which ones are mine.

KimKardashian: #HandPaintedGeorgeCondo #HermesBirkin #OneofOne #ChristmasPresentFromYeezy

MyMommyMishaps: #BabySac #DiapersWipesGoldfish #OneofThousands #JustBecauseGiftFromMoInLaw

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KimKardashian: Like father like daughter

MyMommyMishaps: Like mother like daughter

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KimKardashian: It was an amazing year!!!

MyMommyMishaps: I guess my year was 1/15 as good as it could have been!!!

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KimKardashian: I have the best brother in the world! #BirthdayFlowers

MyMommyMishaps: Albertsons has the best produce section!
#WeGonnaEatThat

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KimKardashian: My new pet panther! #Cartier #TheDonStrikesAgain

MyMommyMishaps: My new rainbow loom bracelet from our 10-year-old and a yucky Hair Tie! #Homemade #HousewifeCouture

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KimKardashian: “I get em custom…you a customer”

MyMommyMishaps: “Am I a customer of Louboutin Paris? Um….no. But I got me some Nike flip flops and a pair of my hubby’s decade old fuzzy slippers.”

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KimKardashian: Truuuuuuuue

MyMommyMishaps: Truuuuuuuue

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KimKardashian: Gingerbread House!!!

MyMommyMishaps: Gingerbread Train!!!

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KimKardashian: Gold Rush

MyMommyMishaps: 4s/Leapfrog Rush

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KimKardashian: Just got all of our Khroma Beauty products!! Glam time!

MyMommyMishaps: This is literally all I own!! Cover the dark circles under my eyes time!

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KimKardashian: #NoFilter

MyMommyMishaps: #ALittleBitOFilter

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You didn’t think I’d take a photo of myself for that one did ya’?

*Thank you’s: I had to borrow a few things to make this post possible. First, thank you to @kimkardashian. I know about 30 people total so I doubt it would be worth her time to care that I used her photos in my silly little blog. But nonetheless, they are public so I thank you. I found that awesome kitchen cleaning quote at funny-pictures.feedio.net. Sooooo funny! And finally I would like to thank favoritefamilyfoods.wordpress.com for the gingerbread train photo. Since neither me, my mom, nor my sister thought the train we made this Christmas was picture-worthy and my 3-year-old started eating it before it was totally done, I had to search for a picture that was similar to what ours looked like.

**No barbies were harmed in the making of this blog. Well, not physically at least.