This post was inspired by an actual text that I got from my amazing and hilarious sister-in-law yesterday.
I love receiving texts like this. I immediately was transported pool-side and could picture the woman who prompted her to send the text. She was wearing 4 inch wedges and was sliding around the cool deck trying to keep her balance while simultaneously making her calf muscles look fabulous. She was getting ever so close to wiping out face first because she was chasing after her kids in such inappropriate footwear. Well, at least that is the image I pictured in my head.
But the question itself made me think about how much you can actually tell about a person by the shoe they choose to wear to a public pool. I am one of those people that likes to look at a complete stranger and figure out their entire life story so a simple “riddle me that” text was all it took to help me create the following:
WHAT YOUR POOL-SIDE SHOE CHOICE SAYS ABOUT YOU (The next big thing in super-scientific personality profiling)
1. The Wedge
Boy oh boy, do you look cute. Those shoes are so adorable and everyone around you looks at them and wishes they had a pair. What they don’t know is that you have 2 large blisters created from the canvas material around the ankle buckle and every step you take is sending a shockwave of pain up your leg. But you don’t care. Nope! You are one of those crazy women that believe that pain is a necessary component of beauty. You work hard to keep fit and you like the attention it gets you when you wear things that flatter your physique. Sadly, this means you rarely let yourself relax and have fun. You don’t want to mess up your perfectly done hair or take off your jewelry. So you sit poolside watching everyone else have fun. Why not throw off those heels and get crazy Ms. Wedge because swimming is a messy activity but it’s fun and you’re worth it.
2. Old School Crocs
O.K. We get it. Crocs are comfortable, versatile and waterproof. But they also shout “I don’t give a crap anymore.” The surprising results of a study released by Columbia University shows that a vast majority of people who wear Crocs shoes lack enthusiasm, don’t look forward to anything, are unimaginative and don’t have anything worthwhile to say. The study also found that women who wear Crocs shoes routinely disregard shaving their underarms and legs, enjoyed watching “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” and have a deep disdain for women who are fashionable. ‘Nuff said.
3. $1 Old Navy Rubber Flip Flops
You are a girl who is ready to party. Not very materialistic, you simply don’t care if you can’t find your shoes at the end of the day, or if they accidentally got burned in the fire pit while making s’mores, or if you somehow lost them in a poker game. You can always go tomorrow and buy another $1 pair. But while you are fun you also might have paid your mortgage payment 10 days late last month and you post memes on Facebook that say things like “Instead of milk with my cereal I use wine and then also instead of my cereal I use wine.” But everyone loves you and you are the life of the party Ms. Flip Flop, so keep coming to our pool parties.
4. Aqua Socks/Water Shoes
Some sort of water trauma happened to you dear Ms. Aqua Socks. It could’ve been that you cut your foot while climbing the rocks on a waterfall in Hawaii. Or it could’ve been that you burned the bottom of your feet running from the pool to the bathroom once. Either way, you require maximum foot coverage. There is a great chance that you are also wearing a hat of some sort and are for sure wearing an SPF 100+ sunscreen. Your kids have rash guards on and matching aqua socks in blue and pink. Your pool-side friends are basking in the sun ordering Pina Coladas but you are completely comfortable and content under an umbrella drinking a Sparkling Water with a lime. You are totally reliable and if someone forgets to bring towels, no problem…you brought two extras.
5. High Heels
Nobody understands you other than your other Ms. High Heel friends. It is actually a requirement that you hang out in packs because the rest of the real world is as scared of you as they are of the zombie apocalypse.
6. Boat Shoes
We know that these are very popular now. And they can be super cute with a pair of capris and a cute tee. But worn with a swimsuit at the pool you look like you are getting ready to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. You love comfort and practicality. You are preppy even when preppy isn’t cool. You have a confidence and an “i don’t care what you think” attitude that is admirable and probably wear those shoes at the pool, at the grocery store, to church and to social functions. Just keep being you Ms. Boat Shoes. Just keep being you.
You obviously grew up in a hot climate and you have built up as many calluses as Cody from Dual Survivor. I will probably ask you to go grab me a cocktail because I can’t find my shoes and your tough old feet can obviously handle walking across hot coals. But aside from being awesome because you are fetching me drinks, you are a fun and free spirit that is one with nature and a confident force to be reckoned with. If I’m ever in a pool fight I want you Ms. Barefoot to be there by my side.
Sooooooo, which shoe are you? Please let me know in the comments.