Author Archives: vickidean123

Why I Yell: An Open Letter to My Children

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Why I Yell: An Open Letter to My Children

My dearest daughters,

Today I heard the way you were shouting at your baby sister for touching your Barbie and it sent chills down my spine. Not because such anger seemed to be coming out of such an adorable little creature. Nope. I felt shame because you were just mirroring what I do when I am upset with you.

I’ve seen you get angry before but today your words matched mine. Not pretty words. Not loving words. And for this I am truly sorry. While I secretly hope that you are all too young to remember my recent frustration and lack of control, I nevertheless feel awful that this perhaps gives you permission to also be frustrated and out of control.

I’m realistic enough to admit that this will likely not be the last time that I lose my mind. I just hope that the 95.3% of the time that I am a patient and calming force will be what you remember me for.

In the meantime, if you would like to help me out, my sweet girls, you are welcome to do so by doing the following:

  1. Stop standing on chairs. Cause and effect seems to be lost on you people. If it hurts when you hurl your lifeless body 4 feet onto the ground and land on your head, then hey…here’s a concept, maybe don’t do it again.
  2. Flush the damn toilet.
  3. Be kind to each other. You may not realize it now but that little pest sitting next to you will probably be holding your hair on your 21st birthday (I mean, let’s be honest…you have my DNA). And she will hold you while you cry the first time your heart is broken. And she will be the first person you want to call when you get a promotion. (Wait! You better call me. Then your sister will be the second person you call). Now that we got that straight, please just be kind to each other.
  4. Do what I say. And do it right when I say it. I realize if my own mother is reading this she is probably rolling her eyes but come on! I thought I had ordered those kids that were not going to make me repeat everything I said 437,240 times. It is extremely exhausting. And I’m starting to hate my own voice.
  5. Treat your Dad and I with respect. We made you. We own you. We can end you. Please just show us the respect that we deserve. I would think that the fact that we have actually shown you proof that the world opens up to every wish and possibility your little heart can dream of when you show us respect would result in said respect. You are super smart. You could totally play us if you wanted to but for some reason you don’t choose this route. I’m giving you a golden nugget of wisdom here.
  6. If you have to open 3 doors to get to me, I’m probably trying to get away from you. Perhaps just give me 15 seconds of peace.
  7. Don’t cry over food. Ever. You are putting too much importance on fruit snacks and goldfish. Save your emotions for things that matter.
  8. Please don’t use my toothbrush. I mean, I love the 4 sinus infections I get every year and all, but can I just have one thing that you don’t stick in your mouth?
  9. Appreciate your family. You are so lucky to have so many people who love you. Cherish it. Eat it up. Hug each other instead of bickering. Be thankful instead of jealous.

And with all of that said I want to tell each of you, I love you with all that I am. You kids are the light of my life. I promise that even if you don’t do each of the items above for me I will do my best to not lose my cool. Well, at least not as much.

Your loving Mom. Always and Forever.

My Epic Pinterest FAIL!

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There are those that pin things on Pinterest and then there are those that post things to Pinterest. Considering my blog is titled Mommy Mishaps it’s probably not a big shocker as to which camp I belong to.

Recently while cruising around Pinterest looking for inspiration for a blog I’m writing for a client I saw the most adorable mini-caramel apples. Then today while I was at the Supermarket I stumbled across candy apple kits on sale for $1.99 so I thought – as I’m sure most of us do when we see a cute recipe idea – “How hard can it be if I’m using a kit?”

Well folks, apparently it can be really hard for someone as domestically challenged as I am. But in usual Mommy Mishaps style for some reason I can’t keep it to myself. Instead of letting the secret about my epic FAIL stop at just my loving family I am here to share the mini-caramel apple catastrophe of 2014 with you. You can thank me later.

What is extra hilarious is that during the process I was taking pictures of all of the steps so that when they turned out super awesome I could share it with everyone in the world so that you could all be really jealous of how amazing I am.

So, here is my step-by-step instructions on how to royally screw up mini-caramel apples. Enjoy!

Step 1:

Cut up apples into small bite-sized pieces. But don’t do it with a melon baller since you suck in the kitchen and you don’t have one. Instead cut them up into random, crazy trapezoid-shaped monstrosities.

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Step 2:

Purchase a $1.99 caramel apple kit and pull out some sticks and decorations out of an old cake pop kit that you got for Christmas in 1921 and haven’t used because, well, you suck in the kitchen and you just buy your cake pops from Starbucks.

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Step 3:

Follow the instructions on the caramel kit. Think to yourself “this is going to be so easy…it’s just milk, sugar and a caramel powder mix. I can totally handle 3 ingredients.” Then look at your 3 kids surrounding you in the kitchen admiring you because you are the world’s best mom for making such a fantastic treat for no reason at all. Oh, but wait….the instructions call for a candy thermometer. What the hell is a candy thermometer? Assume that you are smart enough to figure out what the instructions mean by soft ball consistency and that you are capable of figuring out when something is 240 degrees by just looking at it. Stir your brains out. Stir some more. Wonder why it is taking so freakin’ long and be afraid that you’ve done it too long. Pull it off too early.

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Step 4: 

After allowing your cute kiddos to stick the cake pop sticks into each of the crazy-shaped pieces, get crazy and let them decorate them. It’ll make them even cuter in the end, right?

Step 5:

After dipping the fruit into your caramel sauce that is closer to the consistency of gravy than caramel don’t forget to hold out hope that the darn stuff will thicken as it hardens. But in order for that to happen the caramel that has slid off each piece of apple would literally have to defy gravity and crawl its way back up the apple. But remain in denial because I’m sure that is what all Pinterest queens do as they are admiring their work. Put them in the refrigerator. Hold out more hope.

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Step 6:

Listen to your children beg to take them out. Assure them that they will just taste like apples because the caramel gooey goodness is basically just lining the cookie sheet they are sitting on. Seriously consider just licking the cookie sheet and then decide to do that after the kids go to bed because you don’t want to encourage disgusting behavior.

Step 7:

Stage and snap a final picture of your gorgeous masterpiece. Laugh hysterically.

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OK, so the bottom line here is that these little boogers were delicious. Ugly but stupendously delicious. I had fun making them with the kids and everyone liked eating them. So, Pinterest eat your heart out.

What Your Pool-Side Shoe Choice Says About Your Personality

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This post was inspired by an actual text that I got from my amazing and hilarious sister-in-law yesterday.

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I love receiving texts like this. I immediately was transported pool-side and could picture the woman who prompted her to send the text. She was wearing 4 inch wedges and was sliding around the cool deck trying to keep her balance while simultaneously making her calf muscles look fabulous. She was getting ever so close to wiping out face first because she was chasing after her kids in such inappropriate footwear. Well, at least that is the image I pictured in my head.

But the question itself made me think about how much you can actually tell about a person by the shoe they choose to wear to a public pool. I am one of those people that likes to look at a complete stranger and figure out their entire life story so a simple “riddle me that” text was all it took to help me create the following:

WHAT YOUR POOL-SIDE SHOE CHOICE SAYS ABOUT YOU (The next big thing in super-scientific personality profiling)

1. The Wedge

via eddalovesheels.com

via eddalovesheels.com

Boy oh boy, do you look cute. Those shoes are so adorable and everyone around you looks at them and wishes they had a pair. What they don’t know is that you have 2 large blisters created from the canvas material around the ankle buckle and every step you take is sending a shockwave of pain up your leg. But you don’t care. Nope! You are one of those crazy women that believe that pain is a necessary component of beauty. You work hard to keep fit and you like the attention it gets you when you wear things that flatter your physique. Sadly, this means you rarely let yourself relax and have fun. You don’t want to mess up your perfectly done hair or take off your jewelry. So you sit poolside watching everyone else have fun. Why not throw off those heels and get crazy Ms. Wedge because swimming is a messy activity but it’s fun and you’re worth it.

2. Old School Crocs

via imgur.com

via imgur.com

O.K. We get it. Crocs are comfortable, versatile and waterproof. But they also shout “I don’t give a crap anymore.” The surprising results of a study released by Columbia University shows that a vast majority of people who wear Crocs shoes lack enthusiasm, don’t look forward to anything, are unimaginative and don’t have anything worthwhile to say. The study also found that women who wear Crocs shoes routinely disregard shaving their underarms and legs, enjoyed watching “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” and have a deep disdain for women who are fashionable. ‘Nuff said.

3. $1 Old Navy Rubber Flip Flops

via fabsugar.com

via fabsugar.com

You are a girl who is ready to party. Not very materialistic, you simply don’t care if you can’t find your shoes at the end of the day, or if they accidentally got burned in the fire pit while making s’mores, or if you somehow lost them in a poker game. You can always go tomorrow and buy another $1 pair. But while you are fun you also might have paid your mortgage payment 10 days late last month and you post memes on Facebook that say things like “Instead of milk with my cereal I use wine and then also instead of my cereal I use wine.” But everyone loves you and you are the life of the party Ms. Flip Flop, so keep coming to our pool parties.

4. Aqua Socks/Water Shoes

via walmart.com

via walmart.com

Some sort of water trauma happened to you dear Ms. Aqua Socks. It could’ve been that you cut your foot while climbing the rocks on a waterfall in Hawaii. Or it could’ve been that you burned the bottom of your feet running from the pool to the bathroom once. Either way, you require maximum foot coverage. There is a great chance that you are also wearing a hat of some sort and are for sure wearing an SPF 100+ sunscreen. Your kids have rash guards on and matching aqua socks in blue and pink. Your pool-side friends are basking in the sun ordering Pina Coladas but you are completely comfortable and content under an umbrella drinking a Sparkling Water with a lime. You are totally reliable and if someone forgets to bring towels, no problem…you brought two extras.

5. High Heels

via stocksy.com

via stocksy.com

Nobody understands you other than your other Ms. High Heel friends. It is actually a requirement that you hang out in packs because the rest of the real world is as scared of you as they are of the zombie apocalypse.

6. Boat Shoes

via onlineshoes.com

via onlineshoes.com

We know that these are very popular now. And they can be super cute with a pair of capris and a cute tee. But worn with a swimsuit at the pool you look like you are getting ready to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. You love comfort and practicality. You are preppy even when preppy isn’t cool. You have a confidence and an “i don’t care what you think” attitude that is admirable and probably wear those shoes at the pool, at the grocery store, to church and to social functions. Just keep being you Ms. Boat Shoes. Just keep being you.

7. Barefoot

via centromujer.es

via centromujer.es

You obviously grew up in a hot climate and you have built up as many calluses as Cody from Dual Survivor. I will probably ask you to go grab me a cocktail because I can’t find my shoes and your tough old feet can obviously handle walking across hot coals. But aside from being awesome because you are fetching me drinks, you are a fun and free spirit that is one with nature and a confident force to be reckoned with. If I’m ever in a pool fight I want you Ms. Barefoot to be there by my side.

Sooooooo, which shoe are you? Please let me know in the comments.

No, your kid can NOT pee next to me while I’m eating my Ceasar Salad!

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Boys and girls, you better sit down, this one is a doozy! Those of you who know me or read my blog know that I enjoy writing about fun-loving, humorous parts of life, motherhood and celebrity culture. I try to steer clear of anything controversial, mostly because of my gigantic fear of confrontation. But this blog might be a tad different. A good friend of mine recently sent this very – shall we say – “interesting” question that was legitimately sent in to a San Francisco Mommy-blog forum. I will allow you to enjoy it before I respond.

“So I just got a reality check from a lady who informed me that it is unsanitary to let my kid pee next to the table in a restaurant. So even though she could have been nicer about it, after thinking about it she has a valid point. And admittedly since my newly potty trained toddler has been out of diapers and having a 5 month baby with me by myself at places, I have been very care free about the potette usage and just been in a “stop, drop the pants, and go pee” mode wherever I am at, without thinking about what I am doing and how it is affecting the public around me. Gulp! And most places I could get up and go to the bathroom however, I am in places where it is far away sometimes and picking up all my stuff, strapping my baby on me and trying to convince my toddler to hold it until we get to the bathroom just seems impossible and very exhausting. And yes I am being a lazy parent. But I know now that letting my toddler use the potette in a restaurant is not cool but does anyone know what the law says about where we are allowed to use the potette or are we technically not allowed to let our kids urinate in public just like we are not allowed to as adults? And if so why did they invent the stupid potette thing anyways? If I knew my rights then I could at least feel better if I get approached again and can have something to say back or vice versa may not get so mad at someone when they tell me I am in the wrong and they are actually right. Also, I could really use help from moms with more than one kid specifically on how you manage the bathroom usage out and about since you can’t really leave your baby to take your toddler to the bathroom so I think having two or more kids is where this gets logistically challenging when you are out alone. Thanks ladies!”

via quickmeme.com

via quickmeme.com

O.K. ((deep, cleansing breath)) I will start off by saying that when it comes to judging the behavior of other mothers I am one of those hippy let’s-just-support-a-sister type of moms. I will also come clean and tell you that the other day my 3-year-old took a dump in a Home Depot bucket that we had in the back of our boat while we were in the middle of the lake. I, much like potette mom (the new name I’ve given her) above, made a desperate decision based on necessity. I, unlike potette mom, did this in front of only my family and nobody was eating anywhere near us. Therefore, only I had to puke in my mouth…not any strangers.

Now that I made that little confession we can move on to address the issue at hand.

Accidents happen. Of course they happen. All of us moms know that. And there are special circumstances where certain children are unable to control their bladders. But let’s just think about this for a moment. If I’m lugging around a potette with me everywhere I go, isn’t that a bigger pain in the ass then lugging a baby and a few bags with me to a bathroom that is just a bit too far away? And, if I teach my toddler to drop trou right then and there every time they have to do their business, am I teaching them how to hold it, which we all know is a very important life skill? Or am I teaching them that every time they get the sensation it is a fire drill?

Potette mom admits to being lazy. Well, what sort of Mom handbook did she get lucky enough to get because mine basically said to throw laziness out the freakin’ window. I have a 3-year-old and a baby (and 2 other kids by the way) and I can’t even count the number of times where I have had to suddenly, without an ounce of warning, drop what I’m doing to get a recently-trained toddler to the potty. I have grabbed the baby in a football hold, blood rushing to her head, diaper bag smacking her in the face, holding my purse around my neck while it simultaneously chokes me out so that I have a free hand to drag the pee’er to the commode. But I’ve always made it to the potty in time. And even if I hadn’t made it in time at least I wouldn’t have been sitting next to someone trying to enjoy their lunch break.

I’m no child psychologist, believe me, but my kids have only had 3 public accidents combined, ever! And they were all because they are stubborn little boogers and didn’t want to stop playing long enough to be bothered with the toilet. I didn’t stop going out in public for years because it was inconvenient, instead I made the effort to go through the hassle of locating the closest bathroom every single place that we went during the process. I had to do that while I was pregnant and have just extended that “restroom-radar” for my children. I consider that part of my mommy duties.

So what I say to potette mom is this: maybe consider that it might be easier for you in the long run if you just don’t lug around a portable potty and go through the 6 grueling minutes that it takes you to get up and take care of business. I promise you that it is possible to hold a baby on your hip while assisting your older child with wiping, flushing and washing. Millions of women do it each and every minute of the day. And an added bonus is that you probably burn 35 calories during that crazy 6 minutes.

Is it legal? Potette mom wants to know if it is legal to have her kiddo pee 3 feet from someone eating. I suppose my answer to that is “who gives a crap if it’s legal or not” (pun intended). I doubt that a police officer would arrest you or your young one for doing this. I imagine you’d get off with some sort of warning. But the reality is that it is pretty disgusting. What we do know is that it probably isn’t completely sanitary either. There is no proof that the manner in which potette mom’s child is peeing isn’t releasing particles into the air. It might not be. But it also might be, which is enough to make me not want anyone going potty near my food.

I googled this issue and there are many people that disagree with me and think it is perfectly acceptable to do this. So, maybe I’m on the wrong side of the argument. But I don’t think so. Apparently in European countries this is totally normal practice. So, potette mom should move to Europe.

So, in conclusion:

  • If you see a woman walking into a restaurant that you are eating at carrying a portable potty, ask for your check.
  • Accidents happen. We really shouldn’t judge any single mom for their choices. We can’t change the potette moms of the world, let’s just not become potette moms.
  • Europeans like to pee in public.
  • Always have a Home Depot bucket on your boat.

I’d love to hear comments on this topic. Just be nice if you have an opposing view to mine. I’m a fragile woman. 🙂

GIVEAWAY!!! Celebrating MyMommyMishaps reaching 10,000 views!

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10,000 views!!!! This is such an exciting moment for me and my little blog. It has been so much fun writing, sharing and getting to know you all. When I started this I though that probably 3 people would care enough to read my little rants. It has turned out to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and has opened doors for me creatively that I never thought were possible.

So as a very humble thank you I am going to do my first little giveaway. This one is especially fun for me because it is a pair of gorgeous sterling silver earrings designed by @earringsUlove which just happens to be my wonderful and extremely talented mother-in-law’s brand. She hand builds every piece to have movement and shine while paying special care to the weight so that even though they are intricate and detailed they will not be heavy and can be worn comfortably all day long.

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Sterling Silver Earrings ($40 value)

The contest is being run via Rafflecopter below. It will last a week and I will mail the prize to the lucky winner!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Please read my latest article in Healthstyle Magazine!

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Once again, my friends at Healthstyle Magazine have put out a wonderful Spring issue full of educational and entertaining stories about maintaining a healthy life, preparing fun and nutritious meals, living a life of hope, and more!

I am honored to have contributed to this issue with an article on the healthy benefits of planting a Spring herb garden. This time I was able to recruit my incredibly adorable and photogenic 3-year-old to not only help me plant our garden but also smile for the camera while doing it.

Click here to read “Mommy Knows Best: A Little Sage Advice on Growing a Healthy Herb Garden, Just in Thyme for Spring” on Page 32.

And take a moment to sit back and relax and read the rest of the issue too.

Thanks again for letting me be a part of this Healthstyle!!!

10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be on the Show “Naked and Afraid”

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I bet there are approximately 2,349 reasons I should not be on this show, the most obvious being that I would be crying in the fetal position in less than 5 hours. But there are so many more complex reasons why I am not a good fit for this absolutely amazing 21-day test of survival and resilience on the Discovery Channel. If you haven’t watched it yet, you are totally missing out and should go back and marathon watch the entire first season. Trust me!

1. My middle-upper-class valley girl upbringing would earn me a starting PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) of 2.3 which basically means I can make a grilled cheese sandwich in a microwave and I know how to light my gas fireplace.

2. The longest I have gone without eating is 24 hours and that was for a colonoscopy prep so I had other things on my mind. If I was forced to go 8 or more days without even an ounce of food there is a great likelihood I would eat my own arm, or my partner’s.

3. It’s 21 days! Knowing my luck it would be my “lady time” while I was there and let’s face it, there’s no way I’m using tree leaves to control that business.

4. I’m not sure how many days it would take me to stop looking at my partner’s ding-dong. I mean, it’s right there. All. The. Time. I think my first order of business would be to craft some man panties out of vines and leaves so that we could move on in peace.

5. Bugs! I don’t enjoy chiggers, leaches, ants, or mosquitos under really any circumstances.

6. You know when you go camping for two days and the shower you take when you get home is the most glorious thing ever? Well, multiply how you feel five minutes before that shower by 10. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of filth.

7. I think I’d be one of those women who is crying hysterically on Day 5 because I miss my husband and kids so much. It’s really embarrassing to watch because you know it’s the thirst and starvation talking.

8. How would I watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in the jungles of Madagascar?

9. If it takes me and my partner several days to build shelter I highly doubt that the bathroom facilities would be up to the standards that I require.

10. I barely like to see myself naked, let alone invite 5 million people to check me out. And I’m quite sure the blurred bars they put across my privates wouldn’t really be hiding the reality that is my body after birthing 3 kids.

Image credit: woodtrekker.blogspot.com.

How “The Walking Dead” is exactly like my life as a mom

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1. All day, every day I have a bunch of groaning, hungry, dirty, drooling, insane creatures following me around and no matter how far I run they are always right there. Always.

2. If anyone – or anything – threatened to harm the people I love I would not have a single problem breaking off the head of a shovel and taking them down.

3. I could totally live for 6 months in the same pair of comfortable, ripped up jeans and a filthy tank top. No problem.

4. I’m always ridiculously hungry and searching for food.

5. One minute my world can be completely calm, happy and even gloriously peaceful and then not even 30 seconds later everyone is screaming, crying and running around like it’s the end of the world.

6. Sometimes I’m scared to open my children’s doors for fear of what might be behind it.

7. No matter how great I feel at the end of the day for having made it through the chaos that the universe threw my way, I get to go to bed knowing that tomorrow it all starts yet again.

8. I like going into other people’s houses and seeing what kind of stuff they have.

9. A full night’s sleep is a distant memory.

10. No matter what happens I can always find beauty in the madness.

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