Category Archives: marriage

Happy Blogiversary to Me, Mommy Mishaps!

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Earlier today I was looking at the calendar in order to book an appointment for my husband and realized that this very day, March 13th, marks one year since my inaugural blog post.

I can’t believe I almost missed it. One year! There is no other venture (other than marriage and children, of course) that I have embarked on and been so committed. It truly has been a blast. The blog community has been outrageously supportive and the experience has been very cathartic as I searched for an outlet for my creative yet wacky brain.

Through this journey I have realized that my love language is “viewer response”. I know that isn’t one of the actual love languages, but it should be. I have been blown away by the response of people reading my blog. I check my stats obsessively and the high of having one of my posts go what I will call “semi-viral” was nothing short of intoxicating. Click here to read Friends don’t let friends take selfies over 40, which I will shamelessly say yielded 2,053 views and was shared on Facebook by 615 people! While those stats are simply peanuts for some of my favorite mommy bloggers I was beyond thrilled with that kind of response. And SO grateful.

And to you, yes YOU! You read this which means you’ve probably read one of my other blog posts. Without you I wouldn’t do this. Your feedback makes me smile. Your support makes my heart full. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Photo credit: Allwlpr.com

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Assigning dollar values to my emotional wealth

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For many, many years I was blessed to have a position in the professional world that provided me with many rich experiences. I enjoyed first class flights, sitting in VIP tents at golf tournaments and private suites at sporting events, exploring cities I hadn’t yet been to, eating at fantastic restaurants, and pulling all nighters preparing for new business pitches. I’m not going to lie, it was really fun.

But here I sit…14 months into being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, my world has changed. I’ve traded tailored slacks for my husband’s pajama pants and don’t have a single regret.

I hear a lot of moms say “You just can’t put a price on the joys of motherhood” to which I say “Ummmm. Sure I can!” I used to somewhat frivolously spend money on lattes, pedis, clothes & yummy team lunches. And it’s funny how those things have been replaced by things far more valuable than I ever imagined.

I know someday I will have to go back to work again (Uggggggh!). For now though it is obvious to me after adding this all up that I am an emotional MILLIONAIRE!

Then: Starbucks morning lattes and scones
Now: Snuggling in bed every morning with my baby while she has her morning bottle – $275,320

Then: Lunches with co-workers
Now: Cutting sandwiches into tiny circles, squares and triangles and arranging tater tots into the letter “R” – $14,205

Then: Night out at happy hour with the girls
Now: Dancing around the living room with a toddler to “I’ve Got a Dream” from the movie Tangled – $52,975

Then: Mani/Pedis whenever the heck I felt like it, usually every other weekend
Now: Being the first one to hug my husband every night when he walks through the door – $97,200

Then: Dropping my sick child off at daycare when she is technically better but still not feeling 100%
Now: Resting, snuggling, watching movies, taking warm baths, eating good food and taking time to get better while being comforted by mommy and daddy every moment she is feeling yucky – $430,268

Then: Dry Cleaning everything I was too lazy to wash
Now: Wearing a daily uniform of pajama pants and t-shirts so I can use them to wipe something disgusting off my children if I need to and I’m comfortable enough to get on the floor and play airplane – $17,250

Then: Benihana once a week
Now: The joy I feel when I make a meal from scratch and my husband likes it so much he goes back for seconds – $15,590

Then: Drinking a glass of wine and watching the sunset with colleagues at the AT&T at Pebble Beach
Now: Not missing my daughter’s school music performance this year – $125,400

Then: New Years Eve on a rooftop in Vegas
Now: Counting down with my family and kissing my husband and kids at midnight under blazing fireworks in our suburban neighborhood – $25,678

So, what have YOU changed in your life and how is it contributing to YOUR emotional wealth?

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My Anti-Bucket List (12 things I DON’T want to do before I die)

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We’ve all heard of the bucket list. I have a dear friend from childhood that checked one off of her list this weekend by running her first half marathon. I was really proud of her and after I got over my initial jealousy I realized that much like resolutions bucket list items require action, discipline and follow through. Those 3 things suck for me.

So instead I made my Anti-Bucket List. This list is comprised of things which require no action at all. Only a dedication to spending my entire life making sure they absolutely never, ever, ever happen. I am committed to this list whole heartedly.

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My Anti-Bucket List

1. Do Sizzurp with Justin Bieber and his posse
Since I’m not 100% sure I even understand what Sizzurp is I think I should probably just steer clear of it. So I’m sorry JB, if I happen to run into you at one of the 3 places I go and you and Lil Twist are looking to party lean-style with a 40-year-old housewife you are out of luck buddy. Can’t do it.

2. Get a tattoo
I actually love tattoos. I think they are a beautiful, expressive art. But somehow I think a tattoo would look wildly ridiculous on me. Like that time in 8th grade I dyed my hair jet black for Halloween and it stayed that way for over a month. It just doesn’t work. Plus, I’m sure I would end up getting something silly like “I heart my Roomba” and regret it forever.

3. Break one of my children’s hearts
I know it is inevitable that my kids will have their hearts broken at least once in their lifetime. I just will make for damn sure it isn’t because of me. I’ve had my heart broken by a parent and I will not repeat the cycle. Period.

4. Be broke
Let’s face it, having money is awesome. I remember being young and struggling to pay my bills. It sucked pretty bad. So while I don’t want to put too much importance on having a lot of money, I know myself well enough to know I want to have lots and lots of it.

5. Have a saggy neck
This is a new obsession for me. It must be because I turned 40 but the other day I found myself googling “home remedies to avoid saggy neck”. No joke. And then I browsed the image library of saggy neck pictures. This one obviously requires a tiny bit of action except I’m trying to make it as easy as possible and find something in my pantry I can just rub on it so there is little commitment.

6. Get a shark bite
This just seems like an incredibly painful thing to have happen and I’ve been through childbirth 3 times! I think I’d rather just avoid open water as much as possible and let the sharks enjoy their home turf in peace.

7. Pee my pants
I’ve done this twice. 4th grade at my front door as I ran home from the bus stop (I almost made it) and 6 months pregnant when I sneezed standing alone in a shopping mall. Two times is enough for me. My accidental peeing days are over until I have an adult diaper on and can just go on about my day.

8. Have a wicked hangover
Hangovers are for the young. When I was 20 I could get up the next day and rally as long as I had a breakfast burrito. When I was 30 I could get up and rally the next evening as long as I had a breakfast burrito and a Bloody Mary. As 40 drew near though I realized that hangovers last days and I have too many children and too many responsibilities to dedicate that much time to being ill. I finally know my limits. And by limits I mean I drink a limited amount of booze all of the time.

9. Go to a Nascar race
I just don’t want to.

10. Break a bone or get a cavity
I have never done either of these and I want to keep this streak going forever. I am extremely accident prone so this one is a bit hairy to add to my list but I think I can do it.

11. Get stuck in a shirt in a dressing room
If this has ever happened to you then you know how terrifying it is. If you haven’t, well it’s freaking terrifying. There have been a couple of times where I literally felt like Houdini attempting to break out of a straight jacket. It’s awful and will never happen again.

12. Fall in love again
I am one of the lucky ones who has been blessed to find the love of my life and my soulmate. And as far as I’m concerned we will die very old in bed together holding hands like Noah and Allie did in The Notebook. Since it’s on my anti-bucket list and this is public, I expect that to be a confirmation that it will happen exactly as I wish.

So…..what is on your Anti-Bucket list? Please share in the comments.

Kimye’s Instagram Photos Recreated by a Suburban Housewife

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In order to create this post I first have to do the obvious and admit I follow the Kardashians on Instagram. Well, I do. So let’s all just collectively get over it.

I have no idea what it must be like to be Kim Kardashian. The angel in me hopes that she is really happy and fulfilled and is enjoying both marriage and motherhood to the fullest. The devil in me loves how out of touch she seems to be with the real world and I take pure joy in seeing the ludicrous things she posts on social media. I love it. I mean, I really love it. It is high comedy.

So, because I obviously have too much time on my hands I have lately taken to recreating some of Kim’s Instagram gems as reinterpreted by me, a suburban housewife.

Please enjoy the side-by-side comparisons below. And Dear Lord I sure hope you can tell which ones are hers and which ones are mine.

KimKardashian: #HandPaintedGeorgeCondo #HermesBirkin #OneofOne #ChristmasPresentFromYeezy

MyMommyMishaps: #BabySac #DiapersWipesGoldfish #OneofThousands #JustBecauseGiftFromMoInLaw

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KimKardashian: Like father like daughter

MyMommyMishaps: Like mother like daughter

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KimKardashian: It was an amazing year!!!

MyMommyMishaps: I guess my year was 1/15 as good as it could have been!!!

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KimKardashian: I have the best brother in the world! #BirthdayFlowers

MyMommyMishaps: Albertsons has the best produce section!
#WeGonnaEatThat

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KimKardashian: My new pet panther! #Cartier #TheDonStrikesAgain

MyMommyMishaps: My new rainbow loom bracelet from our 10-year-old and a yucky Hair Tie! #Homemade #HousewifeCouture

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KimKardashian: “I get em custom…you a customer”

MyMommyMishaps: “Am I a customer of Louboutin Paris? Um….no. But I got me some Nike flip flops and a pair of my hubby’s decade old fuzzy slippers.”

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KimKardashian: Truuuuuuuue

MyMommyMishaps: Truuuuuuuue

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KimKardashian: Gingerbread House!!!

MyMommyMishaps: Gingerbread Train!!!

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KimKardashian: Gold Rush

MyMommyMishaps: 4s/Leapfrog Rush

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KimKardashian: Just got all of our Khroma Beauty products!! Glam time!

MyMommyMishaps: This is literally all I own!! Cover the dark circles under my eyes time!

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KimKardashian: #NoFilter

MyMommyMishaps: #ALittleBitOFilter

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You didn’t think I’d take a photo of myself for that one did ya’?

*Thank you’s: I had to borrow a few things to make this post possible. First, thank you to @kimkardashian. I know about 30 people total so I doubt it would be worth her time to care that I used her photos in my silly little blog. But nonetheless, they are public so I thank you. I found that awesome kitchen cleaning quote at funny-pictures.feedio.net. Sooooo funny! And finally I would like to thank favoritefamilyfoods.wordpress.com for the gingerbread train photo. Since neither me, my mom, nor my sister thought the train we made this Christmas was picture-worthy and my 3-year-old started eating it before it was totally done, I had to search for a picture that was similar to what ours looked like.

**No barbies were harmed in the making of this blog. Well, not physically at least.

Friends don’t let their friends take selfies after 40 (a HOW TO guide for us slightly older people)

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According to USA today, Oxford has named “selfie” as the 2013 word of the year. If you are a participant on any type of social media be it Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, you can not avoid the selfie. But not all people should take these conveniently posed, over-filtered, fish-lipped photos.

I mean let’s face it, these pics aren’t usually a true representation of how we look yet I can tolerate that from a young 20-something because they are still hot. Where I feel a bit more uncomfortable is seeing Geraldo Rivera or the Pope taking selfies (they both do by the way). There needs to be a selfie age limit set and enforced by congress. But since that is not likely to happen, I am providing a step-by-step guide on how to take the perfect over-40 selfie so as not to embarrass yourself in front of your peers or for gods sake your children.

Step 1: Don’t get ready, you don’t have to. You will filter the crap out of your photo later so no prep is involved.

Step 2: Lay down onto your pillow on the right side of your face. No need to move any of the laundry piles or leftover holiday gift wrap on the other side of the bed. It’ll be blurred to oblivion shortly.

Step 3: Tuck your double chin under the right side of your face or into the neck of your shirt, whichever is more convenient and the least painful.

Step 4: Arrange your hair to frame your face. It is ok if your hair is dirty. In fact it’s ok if one of your children touched it with grape jelly hands 30 minutes earlier. It will not show once we are done.

Step 5: Grab your phone, stretch your arm up and to the left until you pull a muscle in your neck and snap a picture.

Steps 6 – 17: Continuously look at and reshoot the picture 12 times until you don’t look completely like death and you are happy with the Step 3 chin-tucking.

Step 18: Delete all of the pictures except your favorite one while pausing on each one first and wondering where your youth went, when you got crows feet and why you still get zits.

Step 19: Crop your picture so that your head is slightly off-screen.

Step 20: Convert your picture to black & white. Older people look better without color, don’t fight it…it’s science.

Step 21: Use a filtering tool phone app like Photoshop Express to filter the living hell out of the photo. Red nose from sinus infection? No problem, just overexpose the sucker and put such a massive glow on it so that your nose completely disappears. Who needs a nose anyway really?

Step 22: Sit back and enjoy your ghostly handy work. Make a cocktail. Drink it while you look at how youthful this picture makes you appear.

Step 23: Have your masterpiece blasted through social media and make it your profile picture so anyone searching you isn’t quite sure if it is you or not because they seem to remember you having a nose.

And here is a sample of this magnificent process:

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I hope that my fellow 40+ers have found this guide helpful and will keep it in mind next time you think it is ok to take a picture of your reflection looking back at you in your bathroom mirror making duck lips with a low cut shirt on.
Thank you.

The Cleanliness of My House (Fantasy vs. Reality)

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I am a complete neat freak. My motto when it comes to the home is “a place for everything and everything in its place”. My family is coming into town this weekend and as usual there isn’t much I have to do to get ready because my house could pass the white glove test. You could also eat off of the polished floors and it’s impossible to tell I have kids because toys are nestled away in their toy boxes and color-coded & labeled bins. Laundry is done, dishes are clean and as usual my house smells like cinnamon sugar this time of year. Here are pictures of my bedroom and kitchen to prove what I’m talking about. Clean! Clean! Clean!

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Bwaaah haaaah haaaa! FANTASY!

Are you on crack?!?! We have 4 kids!!! If my house looked like that all of the time I would be some sort of magical stay-at-home princess fairy. How could I keep it that clean when 90% of my day is spent arguing with a 3-year old about why she can’t have 5 peanut butter cups and the other 10% of my time is walking around picking up peanut butter cup wrappers. And toys? Sad to say, but I could replace the entire city of Who-Ville’s stolen presents. And none of them are ever put away. EVER. I sing the clean up song 436 times a day. My life is like Groundhog Day. Every night the house is clean for when my husband gets home and then by 8am it looks like a bomb went off and I have to start all over again.

So, folks. Drum roll please…..this is what my house looked like 2 hours ago. REALITY!

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I envy those people who truly do have a clean house all of the time. I myself find it impossible and hope that sharing my reality might make you feel just a little better about the condition of your house right this second. It’s ok. My kids are happy. My husband did not marry me for my domestic abilities. So all is good.

Now I better stop blogging so I can go figure out how to make my house smell like cinnamon sugar because that sounds awesome.

My 7 Day Engagement

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Let me tell you, I LOVE me a good wedding. The white dress, the cake, the dancing, the flowers, the vows, all of it. The bigger and more extravagant the better. I’m secretly sad that most of my friends are now married and that I don’t see any wedding bells in my circle anytime soon, so I watch a lot of wedding shows: Say Yes to the Dress, 4 Weddings, and anything with David Tutura. Shoot, I’ll even cry watching a housewife wedding special.

Which brings me to my story. You would think that I would want the grandiose when it comes to my own nuptuals. But it was quite the opposite. I rarely tell my story but I think it is beautiful and magical in its simplicity and maybe reading it will keep someone from spending $30,000 on a wedding. šŸ™‚

It was a Friday night. My mom and sister were over, yet for the life of me I can’t remember what we were doing. My husband traveled 4 days per week for work and had just returned home. Often when he would come home he would pick me up a little treat from the airport like gourmet candy and my daughter some little airport gift shop toy.

That night he came home and asked me to come upstairs. I thought nothing of it. When I got up there he handed me a gift shop bag all crumpled up like it had been stuffed in his briefcase for the whole trip. I remember being really excited because I was sure it was chocolate. I reached into the bag and pulled out a beautiful maroon box. I actually remember thinking “Damn! He got me some really expensive chocolate this time.” Then he got down on one knee, told me he loved me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking which I had never seen him do. Ever!

We had many discussions about marriage. We both decided we would rather go the non-traditional route. We already lived together and decided to start a family but consciously decided that it didn’t require a marriage license. Our families were extraordinarily supportive of that decision.

But as I opened up that little maroon box and saw the stunning ring that he had picked out for me the whole world tilted on its axis. I wanted to be his wife. I couldn’t wait to be his wife. He was my soul mate. I was so lucky that he came into my life.

We talked about getting married the following summer in a destination wedding with our family & close friends. But ultimately we wanted to be married now. So we decided to elope. And the soonest we could get it done was the following Friday. I remember how hilarious it seemed waiting in line for our license with people getting their passports. We had to go to window 6. Hilarious. We decided to have it just be the 2 of us so we approached a random couple in their 50’s who were also alone and asked them if we could be each other’s witnesses. Hilarious. But it ended up being absolutely perfect. Our justice of the peace did a cute little ceremony with the perfect words. I don’t know what I was expecting but I’m sure it was from watching too much tv. It ended up exceeding my expectations. It was beautiful, and perfect for us. I have not a single regret. It proved that all that matters is the bride & groom. I think we spent $25 that day.

Our marriage isn’t always perfect, or easy. We each definitely bring our unique “baggage” to the table. But I still have a huge crush on my husband. I love him more today then I did that day. We have 4 daughters now so I’m sure one of them will help me fulfill my dream of a crazy big beautiful wedding someday. But my 7-day engagement was an absolute dream.