Category Archives: mommy

My Epic Pinterest FAIL!

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There are those that pin things on Pinterest and then there are those that post things to Pinterest. Considering my blog is titled Mommy Mishaps it’s probably not a big shocker as to which camp I belong to.

Recently while cruising around Pinterest looking for inspiration for a blog I’m writing for a client I saw the most adorable mini-caramel apples. Then today while I was at the Supermarket I stumbled across candy apple kits on sale for $1.99 so I thought – as I’m sure most of us do when we see a cute recipe idea – “How hard can it be if I’m using a kit?”

Well folks, apparently it can be really hard for someone as domestically challenged as I am. But in usual Mommy Mishaps style for some reason I can’t keep it to myself. Instead of letting the secret about my epic FAIL stop at just my loving family I am here to share the mini-caramel apple catastrophe of 2014 with you. You can thank me later.

What is extra hilarious is that during the process I was taking pictures of all of the steps so that when they turned out super awesome I could share it with everyone in the world so that you could all be really jealous of how amazing I am.

So, here is my step-by-step instructions on how to royally screw up mini-caramel apples. Enjoy!

Step 1:

Cut up apples into small bite-sized pieces. But don’t do it with a melon baller since you suck in the kitchen and you don’t have one. Instead cut them up into random, crazy trapezoid-shaped monstrosities.

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Step 2:

Purchase a $1.99 caramel apple kit and pull out some sticks and decorations out of an old cake pop kit that you got for Christmas in 1921 and haven’t used because, well, you suck in the kitchen and you just buy your cake pops from Starbucks.

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Step 3:

Follow the instructions on the caramel kit. Think to yourself “this is going to be so easy…it’s just milk, sugar and a caramel powder mix. I can totally handle 3 ingredients.” Then look at your 3 kids surrounding you in the kitchen admiring you because you are the world’s best mom for making such a fantastic treat for no reason at all. Oh, but wait….the instructions call for a candy thermometer. What the hell is a candy thermometer? Assume that you are smart enough to figure out what the instructions mean by soft ball consistency and that you are capable of figuring out when something is 240 degrees by just looking at it. Stir your brains out. Stir some more. Wonder why it is taking so freakin’ long and be afraid that you’ve done it too long. Pull it off too early.

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Step 4: 

After allowing your cute kiddos to stick the cake pop sticks into each of the crazy-shaped pieces, get crazy and let them decorate them. It’ll make them even cuter in the end, right?

Step 5:

After dipping the fruit into your caramel sauce that is closer to the consistency of gravy than caramel don’t forget to hold out hope that the darn stuff will thicken as it hardens. But in order for that to happen the caramel that has slid off each piece of apple would literally have to defy gravity and crawl its way back up the apple. But remain in denial because I’m sure that is what all Pinterest queens do as they are admiring their work. Put them in the refrigerator. Hold out more hope.

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Step 6:

Listen to your children beg to take them out. Assure them that they will just taste like apples because the caramel gooey goodness is basically just lining the cookie sheet they are sitting on. Seriously consider just licking the cookie sheet and then decide to do that after the kids go to bed because you don’t want to encourage disgusting behavior.

Step 7:

Stage and snap a final picture of your gorgeous masterpiece. Laugh hysterically.

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OK, so the bottom line here is that these little boogers were delicious. Ugly but stupendously delicious. I had fun making them with the kids and everyone liked eating them. So, Pinterest eat your heart out.

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No, your kid can NOT pee next to me while I’m eating my Ceasar Salad!

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Boys and girls, you better sit down, this one is a doozy! Those of you who know me or read my blog know that I enjoy writing about fun-loving, humorous parts of life, motherhood and celebrity culture. I try to steer clear of anything controversial, mostly because of my gigantic fear of confrontation. But this blog might be a tad different. A good friend of mine recently sent this very – shall we say – “interesting” question that was legitimately sent in to a San Francisco Mommy-blog forum. I will allow you to enjoy it before I respond.

“So I just got a reality check from a lady who informed me that it is unsanitary to let my kid pee next to the table in a restaurant. So even though she could have been nicer about it, after thinking about it she has a valid point. And admittedly since my newly potty trained toddler has been out of diapers and having a 5 month baby with me by myself at places, I have been very care free about the potette usage and just been in a “stop, drop the pants, and go pee” mode wherever I am at, without thinking about what I am doing and how it is affecting the public around me. Gulp! And most places I could get up and go to the bathroom however, I am in places where it is far away sometimes and picking up all my stuff, strapping my baby on me and trying to convince my toddler to hold it until we get to the bathroom just seems impossible and very exhausting. And yes I am being a lazy parent. But I know now that letting my toddler use the potette in a restaurant is not cool but does anyone know what the law says about where we are allowed to use the potette or are we technically not allowed to let our kids urinate in public just like we are not allowed to as adults? And if so why did they invent the stupid potette thing anyways? If I knew my rights then I could at least feel better if I get approached again and can have something to say back or vice versa may not get so mad at someone when they tell me I am in the wrong and they are actually right. Also, I could really use help from moms with more than one kid specifically on how you manage the bathroom usage out and about since you can’t really leave your baby to take your toddler to the bathroom so I think having two or more kids is where this gets logistically challenging when you are out alone. Thanks ladies!”

via quickmeme.com

via quickmeme.com

O.K. ((deep, cleansing breath)) I will start off by saying that when it comes to judging the behavior of other mothers I am one of those hippy let’s-just-support-a-sister type of moms. I will also come clean and tell you that the other day my 3-year-old took a dump in a Home Depot bucket that we had in the back of our boat while we were in the middle of the lake. I, much like potette mom (the new name I’ve given her) above, made a desperate decision based on necessity. I, unlike potette mom, did this in front of only my family and nobody was eating anywhere near us. Therefore, only I had to puke in my mouth…not any strangers.

Now that I made that little confession we can move on to address the issue at hand.

Accidents happen. Of course they happen. All of us moms know that. And there are special circumstances where certain children are unable to control their bladders. But let’s just think about this for a moment. If I’m lugging around a potette with me everywhere I go, isn’t that a bigger pain in the ass then lugging a baby and a few bags with me to a bathroom that is just a bit too far away? And, if I teach my toddler to drop trou right then and there every time they have to do their business, am I teaching them how to hold it, which we all know is a very important life skill? Or am I teaching them that every time they get the sensation it is a fire drill?

Potette mom admits to being lazy. Well, what sort of Mom handbook did she get lucky enough to get because mine basically said to throw laziness out the freakin’ window. I have a 3-year-old and a baby (and 2 other kids by the way) and I can’t even count the number of times where I have had to suddenly, without an ounce of warning, drop what I’m doing to get a recently-trained toddler to the potty. I have grabbed the baby in a football hold, blood rushing to her head, diaper bag smacking her in the face, holding my purse around my neck while it simultaneously chokes me out so that I have a free hand to drag the pee’er to the commode. But I’ve always made it to the potty in time. And even if I hadn’t made it in time at least I wouldn’t have been sitting next to someone trying to enjoy their lunch break.

I’m no child psychologist, believe me, but my kids have only had 3 public accidents combined, ever! And they were all because they are stubborn little boogers and didn’t want to stop playing long enough to be bothered with the toilet. I didn’t stop going out in public for years because it was inconvenient, instead I made the effort to go through the hassle of locating the closest bathroom every single place that we went during the process. I had to do that while I was pregnant and have just extended that “restroom-radar” for my children. I consider that part of my mommy duties.

So what I say to potette mom is this: maybe consider that it might be easier for you in the long run if you just don’t lug around a portable potty and go through the 6 grueling minutes that it takes you to get up and take care of business. I promise you that it is possible to hold a baby on your hip while assisting your older child with wiping, flushing and washing. Millions of women do it each and every minute of the day. And an added bonus is that you probably burn 35 calories during that crazy 6 minutes.

Is it legal? Potette mom wants to know if it is legal to have her kiddo pee 3 feet from someone eating. I suppose my answer to that is “who gives a crap if it’s legal or not” (pun intended). I doubt that a police officer would arrest you or your young one for doing this. I imagine you’d get off with some sort of warning. But the reality is that it is pretty disgusting. What we do know is that it probably isn’t completely sanitary either. There is no proof that the manner in which potette mom’s child is peeing isn’t releasing particles into the air. It might not be. But it also might be, which is enough to make me not want anyone going potty near my food.

I googled this issue and there are many people that disagree with me and think it is perfectly acceptable to do this. So, maybe I’m on the wrong side of the argument. But I don’t think so. Apparently in European countries this is totally normal practice. So, potette mom should move to Europe.

So, in conclusion:

  • If you see a woman walking into a restaurant that you are eating at carrying a portable potty, ask for your check.
  • Accidents happen. We really shouldn’t judge any single mom for their choices. We can’t change the potette moms of the world, let’s just not become potette moms.
  • Europeans like to pee in public.
  • Always have a Home Depot bucket on your boat.

I’d love to hear comments on this topic. Just be nice if you have an opposing view to mine. I’m a fragile woman. 🙂

Please read my latest article in Healthstyle Magazine!

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Once again, my friends at Healthstyle Magazine have put out a wonderful Spring issue full of educational and entertaining stories about maintaining a healthy life, preparing fun and nutritious meals, living a life of hope, and more!

I am honored to have contributed to this issue with an article on the healthy benefits of planting a Spring herb garden. This time I was able to recruit my incredibly adorable and photogenic 3-year-old to not only help me plant our garden but also smile for the camera while doing it.

Click here to read “Mommy Knows Best: A Little Sage Advice on Growing a Healthy Herb Garden, Just in Thyme for Spring” on Page 32.

And take a moment to sit back and relax and read the rest of the issue too.

Thanks again for letting me be a part of this Healthstyle!!!

How “The Walking Dead” is exactly like my life as a mom

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1. All day, every day I have a bunch of groaning, hungry, dirty, drooling, insane creatures following me around and no matter how far I run they are always right there. Always.

2. If anyone – or anything – threatened to harm the people I love I would not have a single problem breaking off the head of a shovel and taking them down.

3. I could totally live for 6 months in the same pair of comfortable, ripped up jeans and a filthy tank top. No problem.

4. I’m always ridiculously hungry and searching for food.

5. One minute my world can be completely calm, happy and even gloriously peaceful and then not even 30 seconds later everyone is screaming, crying and running around like it’s the end of the world.

6. Sometimes I’m scared to open my children’s doors for fear of what might be behind it.

7. No matter how great I feel at the end of the day for having made it through the chaos that the universe threw my way, I get to go to bed knowing that tomorrow it all starts yet again.

8. I like going into other people’s houses and seeing what kind of stuff they have.

9. A full night’s sleep is a distant memory.

10. No matter what happens I can always find beauty in the madness.

amc.com

Happy Blogiversary to Me, Mommy Mishaps!

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Earlier today I was looking at the calendar in order to book an appointment for my husband and realized that this very day, March 13th, marks one year since my inaugural blog post.

I can’t believe I almost missed it. One year! There is no other venture (other than marriage and children, of course) that I have embarked on and been so committed. It truly has been a blast. The blog community has been outrageously supportive and the experience has been very cathartic as I searched for an outlet for my creative yet wacky brain.

Through this journey I have realized that my love language is “viewer response”. I know that isn’t one of the actual love languages, but it should be. I have been blown away by the response of people reading my blog. I check my stats obsessively and the high of having one of my posts go what I will call “semi-viral” was nothing short of intoxicating. Click here to read Friends don’t let friends take selfies over 40, which I will shamelessly say yielded 2,053 views and was shared on Facebook by 615 people! While those stats are simply peanuts for some of my favorite mommy bloggers I was beyond thrilled with that kind of response. And SO grateful.

And to you, yes YOU! You read this which means you’ve probably read one of my other blog posts. Without you I wouldn’t do this. Your feedback makes me smile. Your support makes my heart full. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Photo credit: Allwlpr.com

The Cronut Is So Yesterday: 3 Food Combos I Just Invented. Lattodka Anyone?

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Have you all heard of the Cronut yet? Named by Time Magazine as one of the “Top 25 Inventions” of 2013, this croissant-doughnut hybrid was invented by a pastry chef in NYC. Apparently these little suckers are so sought after that they are being sold on the black market for $100 a piece! Isn’t that insane? It’s hard to believe that there are still food combinations that have yet to be dreamt up that could create such a demand but this guy did it and he is making a killing.

This made me start thinking of what culinary combinations my kids and I would invent if we were to combine our two favorite things to eat. I like to cloud my mind with trivial stuff like this instead of worrying about more bothersome things like how we’ll put four daughters through college and pay for four weddings.

So my friends, here are my three new food inventions:

Food Combo for a Toddler

THE PLAYDARGER
(Playdoh + iPhone charger)

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I know what it takes to make my toddler happy. I know that she would rather eat a tiny piece of Christmas tree tinsel that I somehow forgot to sweep up than a well-balanced, home-cooked meal. This knowledge lets me know with complete certainty that the dream culinary combination that I have invented for her would make her head explode with excitement. It is the creamy white deliciousness of a new iPhone charger coated with a bright crunchy shell of dried playdoh. Her two favorite things to stick in her mouth all at once. Yummy.

Food Combo for Mommy

THE ICED LATTODKA
(Latte + Vodka)

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The other day I shared a dirty little secret with only two people on the planet (you know who you are and now you know how much I love you.) But I’m sharing it with all of you here because I seem to have no shame, nor a proper blog filter. The other night after a particularly stressful day I drank a cocktail of vodka mixed with orange Pedialyte because I had nothing else in the house to mix it with. ((GASP!!)) So there you go. If only I had my dream combo here, a scrumptious iced vanilla latte magically mixed with top shelf vodka, I could have avoided my questionable mix. Now I know some of you might be saying “hey mama there is espresso flavored vodka already” but that is not what I want. My combination would taste exactly like an iced skinny vanilla latte but it would have the added underlying benefit of making me completely forget the trauma of just having to help my toddler get a poop out, that my 3-year-old was crying because she doesn’t have the exact cat game that she wants on her iPad and a preteen who at that very moment needed two homework assignments printed out on a printer that is apparently not working. Ahhhhh….the Lattodka.

Food Combo for Kids

THE FISHGAR
(Goldfish + Sugar)

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My sweet, beautiful little girl, if provided the opportunity and very detailed instructions, would mainline sugar. She wakes up thinking about sugar, spends her days planning and plotting for sugar, and her nights dreaming of sugar. So if I could guarantee that she wasn’t destined for diabetes I would provide her with the magical creation of sweet sugar-coated gold fish. We already own stock in Pepperidge Farms and we might as well add C&H to our investment portfolio.

I would love to hear what your combinations would be for the members of your family. Please share away.

Photo credits: fstoppers.com, etsy.com, blovelyevents.com

Sesame Street Strikes Again – Because Little Kids LOVE Murderous Gangsters

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I have always loved Sesame Street. I truly believe that as a child the show helped me learn the alphabet, how to count and what a llama was, and it does the same for my own children. My kids don’t really watch it that often though. We are more likely to be watching Finding Nemo, Wreck it Ralph or Up at our house.

But this morning I turned it on for the little ones while they ate their pancakes and was once again shocked at a show that the writing team chose to mimic. This isn’t my first time being blown away by one of their episodes. For my previous rants on Sesame Street’s choices please see Debbie Does Disney and Sesame Street Strikes Again.

Today’s episode was “Birdwalk Empire” based on the uber-violent HBO gangster show “Boardwalk Empire”. Really? My husband and I watch this show and by my count 247 people were violently murdered this season alone (I’m making that up but it’s probably pretty close).

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The puppet version of the show featured Nucky Ducky & Mallard Capone going head-to-head at the boardwalk with Clucky Luciano and his gang to figure out who has the best bird walk. They ultimately decided to combine their walks in a compromise of song and dance. How beautiful.

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Well produced? Yes. Clever? Yes. I know Sesame Street has always used pop culture to keep lessons relevant. But I still feel slightly uncomfortable with such an innocent program choosing to commemorate the shows on TV that are based on murder, guns, sex and drugs. Seems a little dirty to me. Is it just me?

Watch Birdwalk Empire

MOMMY MISHAP ALERT! I blasted a picture of my kid on social media with an inappropriate word on it

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Usually my daily mishaps are fairly harmless. Like finding my toddler eating chocolate cake off of the kitchen floor and deciding to just let her go for it. Or spending hours running errands and then getting home and realizing I have a big blob of white puke on my shoulder. You know, those kind of things.

Every once in a while though I do a doozy of a mishap and this week was one of those times. As a stay-at-home mom and a self-professed iPhone addict there is not a moment that I don’t document through pictures and videos. So much so that my memory is full on my phone and my older kids actually demand a picture when doing something awesome.

This happened last week when my 3-year-old put on some orange hipster glasses and was posing on our deck while I snapped away. There were so many good shots that I did a cute pic collage and like every other annoying mother out there I blasted it everywhere: Facebook, Instagram, even an email to my grandmother.

Then a while later I got this text from an eagle eye friend of mine:

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When I read this I made a sound that I’ve never made before. It was kind of a combination of hysterical laughter and a gasp of horror. Can you imagine that sound?

And here is the guilty pic collage

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The word SEX is right above my sweet baby’s head! Nice work, mom. Of course I immediately thought how dare that app make such an adorable border and expect me to only use it for pic collages of people I want to, well…you know. And it’s so hidden! Or, am I blind to the word? All I saw was love, kiss, flowers & hearts.

Well, as with all aspects of parenthood I consider this a lesson learned. I need to be more careful when I post stuff about my kids. And by making this public I hope that you will do the same.

Assigning dollar values to my emotional wealth

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For many, many years I was blessed to have a position in the professional world that provided me with many rich experiences. I enjoyed first class flights, sitting in VIP tents at golf tournaments and private suites at sporting events, exploring cities I hadn’t yet been to, eating at fantastic restaurants, and pulling all nighters preparing for new business pitches. I’m not going to lie, it was really fun.

But here I sit…14 months into being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, my world has changed. I’ve traded tailored slacks for my husband’s pajama pants and don’t have a single regret.

I hear a lot of moms say “You just can’t put a price on the joys of motherhood” to which I say “Ummmm. Sure I can!” I used to somewhat frivolously spend money on lattes, pedis, clothes & yummy team lunches. And it’s funny how those things have been replaced by things far more valuable than I ever imagined.

I know someday I will have to go back to work again (Uggggggh!). For now though it is obvious to me after adding this all up that I am an emotional MILLIONAIRE!

Then: Starbucks morning lattes and scones
Now: Snuggling in bed every morning with my baby while she has her morning bottle – $275,320

Then: Lunches with co-workers
Now: Cutting sandwiches into tiny circles, squares and triangles and arranging tater tots into the letter “R” – $14,205

Then: Night out at happy hour with the girls
Now: Dancing around the living room with a toddler to “I’ve Got a Dream” from the movie Tangled – $52,975

Then: Mani/Pedis whenever the heck I felt like it, usually every other weekend
Now: Being the first one to hug my husband every night when he walks through the door – $97,200

Then: Dropping my sick child off at daycare when she is technically better but still not feeling 100%
Now: Resting, snuggling, watching movies, taking warm baths, eating good food and taking time to get better while being comforted by mommy and daddy every moment she is feeling yucky – $430,268

Then: Dry Cleaning everything I was too lazy to wash
Now: Wearing a daily uniform of pajama pants and t-shirts so I can use them to wipe something disgusting off my children if I need to and I’m comfortable enough to get on the floor and play airplane – $17,250

Then: Benihana once a week
Now: The joy I feel when I make a meal from scratch and my husband likes it so much he goes back for seconds – $15,590

Then: Drinking a glass of wine and watching the sunset with colleagues at the AT&T at Pebble Beach
Now: Not missing my daughter’s school music performance this year – $125,400

Then: New Years Eve on a rooftop in Vegas
Now: Counting down with my family and kissing my husband and kids at midnight under blazing fireworks in our suburban neighborhood – $25,678

So, what have YOU changed in your life and how is it contributing to YOUR emotional wealth?

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