Tag Archives: annoying

Dear Dude on the Airplane, You Are More Annoying Than My Baby

Standard

Dearest Dude,

I realize that as you walked on this airplane you noticed that the only seat left was behind a Mommy holding an infant.

I also realize that the first thought through your head was “oh crap, this baby is going to cry for 3-1/2 hours and annoy the hell out of me.” I could see it in your face as you looked at me, looked at the remaining seat, looked back around the plane, then looked back at me.

Well, dude, guess what? The joke’s on you. My baby was awesome. She slept for 2-1/2 hours. How about you?

Nope, you talked for over 2 hours LOUDLY to the point where a man 3 rows away had to tell you to quiet down.

Did you actually think those poor souls next to you cared that:
– you were working 16 hour days and decided to quit to pursue writing
– you sing Karaoke and Al Green is your go to artist
– you live in a make shift commune in a converted hotel
– your best friends are comedians so everyone thinks you are a comedian too
– you have friends in London so you go there all of the time

Trust me, nobody cares. They didn’t care. I didn’t care. My awesome sleeping baby didn’t care.

You are a person who gets off on the sound of their own voice but doesn’t get the hint when the person next to you puts their ear buds in that they would prefer you stop talking.

Oh, and by the way you are not just “one of those people who have a bass voice”. You are in fact one of those people who “just don’t shut up” and coming from someone who has lettered in talking a lot that must mean your talking is at an epic level.

So dude, learn to relax, read a book, watch a movie on your iPhone, or read freakin’ skymall 20 times. I don’t care.

But dear God please take a lesson from this adorable chubby baby on my lap and shut the hell up.

Thank you,
Mommy whose kid showed you up in 25D

20130507-211313.jpg

Photo: http://www.navyaircrew.com

Advertisements

How to not murder your children

Standard
How to not murder your children

A great big thanks to all of you who visited my inaugural post, especially to those of you who forwarded it to others and reposted it on Facebook. Not only did it get 205 views (Yay!), your comments and messages made me feel great and made me realize how fun this is going to be. But enough of the love – lets get to the murder.

I wrote the first post nearly a week ago. Then I decided to just wait. Mommy mishaps happen to me daily and sometimes hourly so I figured I would just wait for one to happen and would have to rock, paper, scissors with myself to decide what super awesome mishap story to share. Then….NOTHING. My kids didn’t do anything weird with their pee, I didn’t get the kids loaded in the car and sit in the passenger seat instead of the drivers seat, nothing. My week couldn’t have been any more ordinary. Until today.

It was a beautiful day. A lazy Sunday morning where we stayed in our pjs until well after 10am followed by a fun mid-afternoon BBQ at the in-laws. But suddenly the toddler hit an annoying level of epic proportions.

Now, those of you who have raised a devil-in-training, ahem…toddler, already know all of this. But this post will be most helpful to my expecting and new Mommy friends who are staring lovingly at their growing belly or gorgeous newborn imagining running in the park holding hands with their child, watching them in their first school play or picking daisies from a field and putting them in your hair. These things may happen, and I promise you my kids do beautiful things all of the time. But I also promise you this. There will no doubt be a moment where you will want to murder your child. This is a guarantee. And that does not make you a bad parent or need to be committed, it just makes you human. Am I right parents?

So today as my toddler was doing everything she could think of to bother us as if she’d got a book called “Annoying Tricks for Dummies” and was trying it out, it led to a final crescendo of her trying to pet my boob while I nursed her baby sister. That’s when I hit my murder-point. Enough already!

So how did I not murder her?

The Mommy Mishap 2-step guide to not murdering your children

STEP ONE – Self medicate. Now I’m not suggesting actual medication, but medication of the booze variety. I know there are moms (and dads) out there that don’t drink. I’ve just never really met one. Ever. I read the cutest post last night from a very clever blogger about a term she coined “mojito muffs”. These are beer goggles for grown ups. You should really check it out at The Pursuit of Normal – Mojito Muffs. Basically the key here is that even one little cocktail after a hard day can make it all seem a little better.

STEP TWO – Just wait for them to do something freakin’ adorable. And this always happens. For me tonight it was when my daughter stood in front of us and sang a song loud and proud. Obnoxious, yes. But also completely adorable and it immediately made the stress go away.

20130317-203524.jpg