Tag Archives: humor

My Anti-Bucket List (12 things I DON’T want to do before I die)

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We’ve all heard of the bucket list. I have a dear friend from childhood that checked one off of her list this weekend by running her first half marathon. I was really proud of her and after I got over my initial jealousy I realized that much like resolutions bucket list items require action, discipline and follow through. Those 3 things suck for me.

So instead I made my Anti-Bucket List. This list is comprised of things which require no action at all. Only a dedication to spending my entire life making sure they absolutely never, ever, ever happen. I am committed to this list whole heartedly.

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My Anti-Bucket List

1. Do Sizzurp with Justin Bieber and his posse
Since I’m not 100% sure I even understand what Sizzurp is I think I should probably just steer clear of it. So I’m sorry JB, if I happen to run into you at one of the 3 places I go and you and Lil Twist are looking to party lean-style with a 40-year-old housewife you are out of luck buddy. Can’t do it.

2. Get a tattoo
I actually love tattoos. I think they are a beautiful, expressive art. But somehow I think a tattoo would look wildly ridiculous on me. Like that time in 8th grade I dyed my hair jet black for Halloween and it stayed that way for over a month. It just doesn’t work. Plus, I’m sure I would end up getting something silly like “I heart my Roomba” and regret it forever.

3. Break one of my children’s hearts
I know it is inevitable that my kids will have their hearts broken at least once in their lifetime. I just will make for damn sure it isn’t because of me. I’ve had my heart broken by a parent and I will not repeat the cycle. Period.

4. Be broke
Let’s face it, having money is awesome. I remember being young and struggling to pay my bills. It sucked pretty bad. So while I don’t want to put too much importance on having a lot of money, I know myself well enough to know I want to have lots and lots of it.

5. Have a saggy neck
This is a new obsession for me. It must be because I turned 40 but the other day I found myself googling “home remedies to avoid saggy neck”. No joke. And then I browsed the image library of saggy neck pictures. This one obviously requires a tiny bit of action except I’m trying to make it as easy as possible and find something in my pantry I can just rub on it so there is little commitment.

6. Get a shark bite
This just seems like an incredibly painful thing to have happen and I’ve been through childbirth 3 times! I think I’d rather just avoid open water as much as possible and let the sharks enjoy their home turf in peace.

7. Pee my pants
I’ve done this twice. 4th grade at my front door as I ran home from the bus stop (I almost made it) and 6 months pregnant when I sneezed standing alone in a shopping mall. Two times is enough for me. My accidental peeing days are over until I have an adult diaper on and can just go on about my day.

8. Have a wicked hangover
Hangovers are for the young. When I was 20 I could get up the next day and rally as long as I had a breakfast burrito. When I was 30 I could get up and rally the next evening as long as I had a breakfast burrito and a Bloody Mary. As 40 drew near though I realized that hangovers last days and I have too many children and too many responsibilities to dedicate that much time to being ill. I finally know my limits. And by limits I mean I drink a limited amount of booze all of the time.

9. Go to a Nascar race
I just don’t want to.

10. Break a bone or get a cavity
I have never done either of these and I want to keep this streak going forever. I am extremely accident prone so this one is a bit hairy to add to my list but I think I can do it.

11. Get stuck in a shirt in a dressing room
If this has ever happened to you then you know how terrifying it is. If you haven’t, well it’s freaking terrifying. There have been a couple of times where I literally felt like Houdini attempting to break out of a straight jacket. It’s awful and will never happen again.

12. Fall in love again
I am one of the lucky ones who has been blessed to find the love of my life and my soulmate. And as far as I’m concerned we will die very old in bed together holding hands like Noah and Allie did in The Notebook. Since it’s on my anti-bucket list and this is public, I expect that to be a confirmation that it will happen exactly as I wish.

So…..what is on your Anti-Bucket list? Please share in the comments.

Kimye’s Instagram Photos Recreated by a Suburban Housewife

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In order to create this post I first have to do the obvious and admit I follow the Kardashians on Instagram. Well, I do. So let’s all just collectively get over it.

I have no idea what it must be like to be Kim Kardashian. The angel in me hopes that she is really happy and fulfilled and is enjoying both marriage and motherhood to the fullest. The devil in me loves how out of touch she seems to be with the real world and I take pure joy in seeing the ludicrous things she posts on social media. I love it. I mean, I really love it. It is high comedy.

So, because I obviously have too much time on my hands I have lately taken to recreating some of Kim’s Instagram gems as reinterpreted by me, a suburban housewife.

Please enjoy the side-by-side comparisons below. And Dear Lord I sure hope you can tell which ones are hers and which ones are mine.

KimKardashian: #HandPaintedGeorgeCondo #HermesBirkin #OneofOne #ChristmasPresentFromYeezy

MyMommyMishaps: #BabySac #DiapersWipesGoldfish #OneofThousands #JustBecauseGiftFromMoInLaw

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KimKardashian: Like father like daughter

MyMommyMishaps: Like mother like daughter

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KimKardashian: It was an amazing year!!!

MyMommyMishaps: I guess my year was 1/15 as good as it could have been!!!

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KimKardashian: I have the best brother in the world! #BirthdayFlowers

MyMommyMishaps: Albertsons has the best produce section!
#WeGonnaEatThat

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KimKardashian: My new pet panther! #Cartier #TheDonStrikesAgain

MyMommyMishaps: My new rainbow loom bracelet from our 10-year-old and a yucky Hair Tie! #Homemade #HousewifeCouture

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KimKardashian: “I get em custom…you a customer”

MyMommyMishaps: “Am I a customer of Louboutin Paris? Um….no. But I got me some Nike flip flops and a pair of my hubby’s decade old fuzzy slippers.”

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KimKardashian: Truuuuuuuue

MyMommyMishaps: Truuuuuuuue

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KimKardashian: Gingerbread House!!!

MyMommyMishaps: Gingerbread Train!!!

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KimKardashian: Gold Rush

MyMommyMishaps: 4s/Leapfrog Rush

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KimKardashian: Just got all of our Khroma Beauty products!! Glam time!

MyMommyMishaps: This is literally all I own!! Cover the dark circles under my eyes time!

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KimKardashian: #NoFilter

MyMommyMishaps: #ALittleBitOFilter

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You didn’t think I’d take a photo of myself for that one did ya’?

*Thank you’s: I had to borrow a few things to make this post possible. First, thank you to @kimkardashian. I know about 30 people total so I doubt it would be worth her time to care that I used her photos in my silly little blog. But nonetheless, they are public so I thank you. I found that awesome kitchen cleaning quote at funny-pictures.feedio.net. Sooooo funny! And finally I would like to thank favoritefamilyfoods.wordpress.com for the gingerbread train photo. Since neither me, my mom, nor my sister thought the train we made this Christmas was picture-worthy and my 3-year-old started eating it before it was totally done, I had to search for a picture that was similar to what ours looked like.

**No barbies were harmed in the making of this blog. Well, not physically at least.

Friends don’t let their friends take selfies after 40 (a HOW TO guide for us slightly older people)

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According to USA today, Oxford has named “selfie” as the 2013 word of the year. If you are a participant on any type of social media be it Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, you can not avoid the selfie. But not all people should take these conveniently posed, over-filtered, fish-lipped photos.

I mean let’s face it, these pics aren’t usually a true representation of how we look yet I can tolerate that from a young 20-something because they are still hot. Where I feel a bit more uncomfortable is seeing Geraldo Rivera or the Pope taking selfies (they both do by the way). There needs to be a selfie age limit set and enforced by congress. But since that is not likely to happen, I am providing a step-by-step guide on how to take the perfect over-40 selfie so as not to embarrass yourself in front of your peers or for gods sake your children.

Step 1: Don’t get ready, you don’t have to. You will filter the crap out of your photo later so no prep is involved.

Step 2: Lay down onto your pillow on the right side of your face. No need to move any of the laundry piles or leftover holiday gift wrap on the other side of the bed. It’ll be blurred to oblivion shortly.

Step 3: Tuck your double chin under the right side of your face or into the neck of your shirt, whichever is more convenient and the least painful.

Step 4: Arrange your hair to frame your face. It is ok if your hair is dirty. In fact it’s ok if one of your children touched it with grape jelly hands 30 minutes earlier. It will not show once we are done.

Step 5: Grab your phone, stretch your arm up and to the left until you pull a muscle in your neck and snap a picture.

Steps 6 – 17: Continuously look at and reshoot the picture 12 times until you don’t look completely like death and you are happy with the Step 3 chin-tucking.

Step 18: Delete all of the pictures except your favorite one while pausing on each one first and wondering where your youth went, when you got crows feet and why you still get zits.

Step 19: Crop your picture so that your head is slightly off-screen.

Step 20: Convert your picture to black & white. Older people look better without color, don’t fight it…it’s science.

Step 21: Use a filtering tool phone app like Photoshop Express to filter the living hell out of the photo. Red nose from sinus infection? No problem, just overexpose the sucker and put such a massive glow on it so that your nose completely disappears. Who needs a nose anyway really?

Step 22: Sit back and enjoy your ghostly handy work. Make a cocktail. Drink it while you look at how youthful this picture makes you appear.

Step 23: Have your masterpiece blasted through social media and make it your profile picture so anyone searching you isn’t quite sure if it is you or not because they seem to remember you having a nose.

And here is a sample of this magnificent process:

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I hope that my fellow 40+ers have found this guide helpful and will keep it in mind next time you think it is ok to take a picture of your reflection looking back at you in your bathroom mirror making duck lips with a low cut shirt on.
Thank you.