Tag Archives: Mommy

Sesame Street Strikes Again – Because Little Kids LOVE Murderous Gangsters

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I have always loved Sesame Street. I truly believe that as a child the show helped me learn the alphabet, how to count and what a llama was, and it does the same for my own children. My kids don’t really watch it that often though. We are more likely to be watching Finding Nemo, Wreck it Ralph or Up at our house.

But this morning I turned it on for the little ones while they ate their pancakes and was once again shocked at a show that the writing team chose to mimic. This isn’t my first time being blown away by one of their episodes. For my previous rants on Sesame Street’s choices please see Debbie Does Disney and Sesame Street Strikes Again.

Today’s episode was “Birdwalk Empire” based on the uber-violent HBO gangster show “Boardwalk Empire”. Really? My husband and I watch this show and by my count 247 people were violently murdered this season alone (I’m making that up but it’s probably pretty close).

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The puppet version of the show featured Nucky Ducky & Mallard Capone going head-to-head at the boardwalk with Clucky Luciano and his gang to figure out who has the best bird walk. They ultimately decided to combine their walks in a compromise of song and dance. How beautiful.

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Well produced? Yes. Clever? Yes. I know Sesame Street has always used pop culture to keep lessons relevant. But I still feel slightly uncomfortable with such an innocent program choosing to commemorate the shows on TV that are based on murder, guns, sex and drugs. Seems a little dirty to me. Is it just me?

Watch Birdwalk Empire

MOMMY MISHAP ALERT! I blasted a picture of my kid on social media with an inappropriate word on it

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Usually my daily mishaps are fairly harmless. Like finding my toddler eating chocolate cake off of the kitchen floor and deciding to just let her go for it. Or spending hours running errands and then getting home and realizing I have a big blob of white puke on my shoulder. You know, those kind of things.

Every once in a while though I do a doozy of a mishap and this week was one of those times. As a stay-at-home mom and a self-professed iPhone addict there is not a moment that I don’t document through pictures and videos. So much so that my memory is full on my phone and my older kids actually demand a picture when doing something awesome.

This happened last week when my 3-year-old put on some orange hipster glasses and was posing on our deck while I snapped away. There were so many good shots that I did a cute pic collage and like every other annoying mother out there I blasted it everywhere: Facebook, Instagram, even an email to my grandmother.

Then a while later I got this text from an eagle eye friend of mine:

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When I read this I made a sound that I’ve never made before. It was kind of a combination of hysterical laughter and a gasp of horror. Can you imagine that sound?

And here is the guilty pic collage

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The word SEX is right above my sweet baby’s head! Nice work, mom. Of course I immediately thought how dare that app make such an adorable border and expect me to only use it for pic collages of people I want to, well…you know. And it’s so hidden! Or, am I blind to the word? All I saw was love, kiss, flowers & hearts.

Well, as with all aspects of parenthood I consider this a lesson learned. I need to be more careful when I post stuff about my kids. And by making this public I hope that you will do the same.

Assigning dollar values to my emotional wealth

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For many, many years I was blessed to have a position in the professional world that provided me with many rich experiences. I enjoyed first class flights, sitting in VIP tents at golf tournaments and private suites at sporting events, exploring cities I hadn’t yet been to, eating at fantastic restaurants, and pulling all nighters preparing for new business pitches. I’m not going to lie, it was really fun.

But here I sit…14 months into being a stay-at-home mom. Boy, my world has changed. I’ve traded tailored slacks for my husband’s pajama pants and don’t have a single regret.

I hear a lot of moms say “You just can’t put a price on the joys of motherhood” to which I say “Ummmm. Sure I can!” I used to somewhat frivolously spend money on lattes, pedis, clothes & yummy team lunches. And it’s funny how those things have been replaced by things far more valuable than I ever imagined.

I know someday I will have to go back to work again (Uggggggh!). For now though it is obvious to me after adding this all up that I am an emotional MILLIONAIRE!

Then: Starbucks morning lattes and scones
Now: Snuggling in bed every morning with my baby while she has her morning bottle – $275,320

Then: Lunches with co-workers
Now: Cutting sandwiches into tiny circles, squares and triangles and arranging tater tots into the letter “R” – $14,205

Then: Night out at happy hour with the girls
Now: Dancing around the living room with a toddler to “I’ve Got a Dream” from the movie Tangled – $52,975

Then: Mani/Pedis whenever the heck I felt like it, usually every other weekend
Now: Being the first one to hug my husband every night when he walks through the door – $97,200

Then: Dropping my sick child off at daycare when she is technically better but still not feeling 100%
Now: Resting, snuggling, watching movies, taking warm baths, eating good food and taking time to get better while being comforted by mommy and daddy every moment she is feeling yucky – $430,268

Then: Dry Cleaning everything I was too lazy to wash
Now: Wearing a daily uniform of pajama pants and t-shirts so I can use them to wipe something disgusting off my children if I need to and I’m comfortable enough to get on the floor and play airplane – $17,250

Then: Benihana once a week
Now: The joy I feel when I make a meal from scratch and my husband likes it so much he goes back for seconds – $15,590

Then: Drinking a glass of wine and watching the sunset with colleagues at the AT&T at Pebble Beach
Now: Not missing my daughter’s school music performance this year – $125,400

Then: New Years Eve on a rooftop in Vegas
Now: Counting down with my family and kissing my husband and kids at midnight under blazing fireworks in our suburban neighborhood – $25,678

So, what have YOU changed in your life and how is it contributing to YOUR emotional wealth?

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Please read my latest “Mommy Knows Best” article in Healthstyle Magazine

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My friends at Healthstyle Magazine have done it yet again. The just released Winter issue is packed full of wonderful health hints, lifestyle tips, recipes and more!

This time the article I contributed (which begins on Page 26 – click to read here) is about how participating in fun outdoor activities with your children can help both you and your kiddos burn calories while having fun and bonding at the same time. My beautiful stepdaughter Maura assisted me by modeling and participating in the activities with me. It turned out super cute.

Some of the other interesting articles in this issue:

– How to beat arthritis for good
– Delicious and healthy breakfast recipes
– 6 surprising energy boosters
– How a former Arizona mayor is helping change the healthcare industry

Thanks again for reading!!!!!

My Anti-Bucket List (12 things I DON’T want to do before I die)

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We’ve all heard of the bucket list. I have a dear friend from childhood that checked one off of her list this weekend by running her first half marathon. I was really proud of her and after I got over my initial jealousy I realized that much like resolutions bucket list items require action, discipline and follow through. Those 3 things suck for me.

So instead I made my Anti-Bucket List. This list is comprised of things which require no action at all. Only a dedication to spending my entire life making sure they absolutely never, ever, ever happen. I am committed to this list whole heartedly.

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My Anti-Bucket List

1. Do Sizzurp with Justin Bieber and his posse
Since I’m not 100% sure I even understand what Sizzurp is I think I should probably just steer clear of it. So I’m sorry JB, if I happen to run into you at one of the 3 places I go and you and Lil Twist are looking to party lean-style with a 40-year-old housewife you are out of luck buddy. Can’t do it.

2. Get a tattoo
I actually love tattoos. I think they are a beautiful, expressive art. But somehow I think a tattoo would look wildly ridiculous on me. Like that time in 8th grade I dyed my hair jet black for Halloween and it stayed that way for over a month. It just doesn’t work. Plus, I’m sure I would end up getting something silly like “I heart my Roomba” and regret it forever.

3. Break one of my children’s hearts
I know it is inevitable that my kids will have their hearts broken at least once in their lifetime. I just will make for damn sure it isn’t because of me. I’ve had my heart broken by a parent and I will not repeat the cycle. Period.

4. Be broke
Let’s face it, having money is awesome. I remember being young and struggling to pay my bills. It sucked pretty bad. So while I don’t want to put too much importance on having a lot of money, I know myself well enough to know I want to have lots and lots of it.

5. Have a saggy neck
This is a new obsession for me. It must be because I turned 40 but the other day I found myself googling “home remedies to avoid saggy neck”. No joke. And then I browsed the image library of saggy neck pictures. This one obviously requires a tiny bit of action except I’m trying to make it as easy as possible and find something in my pantry I can just rub on it so there is little commitment.

6. Get a shark bite
This just seems like an incredibly painful thing to have happen and I’ve been through childbirth 3 times! I think I’d rather just avoid open water as much as possible and let the sharks enjoy their home turf in peace.

7. Pee my pants
I’ve done this twice. 4th grade at my front door as I ran home from the bus stop (I almost made it) and 6 months pregnant when I sneezed standing alone in a shopping mall. Two times is enough for me. My accidental peeing days are over until I have an adult diaper on and can just go on about my day.

8. Have a wicked hangover
Hangovers are for the young. When I was 20 I could get up the next day and rally as long as I had a breakfast burrito. When I was 30 I could get up and rally the next evening as long as I had a breakfast burrito and a Bloody Mary. As 40 drew near though I realized that hangovers last days and I have too many children and too many responsibilities to dedicate that much time to being ill. I finally know my limits. And by limits I mean I drink a limited amount of booze all of the time.

9. Go to a Nascar race
I just don’t want to.

10. Break a bone or get a cavity
I have never done either of these and I want to keep this streak going forever. I am extremely accident prone so this one is a bit hairy to add to my list but I think I can do it.

11. Get stuck in a shirt in a dressing room
If this has ever happened to you then you know how terrifying it is. If you haven’t, well it’s freaking terrifying. There have been a couple of times where I literally felt like Houdini attempting to break out of a straight jacket. It’s awful and will never happen again.

12. Fall in love again
I am one of the lucky ones who has been blessed to find the love of my life and my soulmate. And as far as I’m concerned we will die very old in bed together holding hands like Noah and Allie did in The Notebook. Since it’s on my anti-bucket list and this is public, I expect that to be a confirmation that it will happen exactly as I wish.

So…..what is on your Anti-Bucket list? Please share in the comments.

Kimye’s Instagram Photos Recreated by a Suburban Housewife

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In order to create this post I first have to do the obvious and admit I follow the Kardashians on Instagram. Well, I do. So let’s all just collectively get over it.

I have no idea what it must be like to be Kim Kardashian. The angel in me hopes that she is really happy and fulfilled and is enjoying both marriage and motherhood to the fullest. The devil in me loves how out of touch she seems to be with the real world and I take pure joy in seeing the ludicrous things she posts on social media. I love it. I mean, I really love it. It is high comedy.

So, because I obviously have too much time on my hands I have lately taken to recreating some of Kim’s Instagram gems as reinterpreted by me, a suburban housewife.

Please enjoy the side-by-side comparisons below. And Dear Lord I sure hope you can tell which ones are hers and which ones are mine.

KimKardashian: #HandPaintedGeorgeCondo #HermesBirkin #OneofOne #ChristmasPresentFromYeezy

MyMommyMishaps: #BabySac #DiapersWipesGoldfish #OneofThousands #JustBecauseGiftFromMoInLaw

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KimKardashian: Like father like daughter

MyMommyMishaps: Like mother like daughter

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KimKardashian: It was an amazing year!!!

MyMommyMishaps: I guess my year was 1/15 as good as it could have been!!!

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KimKardashian: I have the best brother in the world! #BirthdayFlowers

MyMommyMishaps: Albertsons has the best produce section!
#WeGonnaEatThat

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KimKardashian: My new pet panther! #Cartier #TheDonStrikesAgain

MyMommyMishaps: My new rainbow loom bracelet from our 10-year-old and a yucky Hair Tie! #Homemade #HousewifeCouture

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KimKardashian: “I get em custom…you a customer”

MyMommyMishaps: “Am I a customer of Louboutin Paris? Um….no. But I got me some Nike flip flops and a pair of my hubby’s decade old fuzzy slippers.”

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KimKardashian: Truuuuuuuue

MyMommyMishaps: Truuuuuuuue

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KimKardashian: Gingerbread House!!!

MyMommyMishaps: Gingerbread Train!!!

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KimKardashian: Gold Rush

MyMommyMishaps: 4s/Leapfrog Rush

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KimKardashian: Just got all of our Khroma Beauty products!! Glam time!

MyMommyMishaps: This is literally all I own!! Cover the dark circles under my eyes time!

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KimKardashian: #NoFilter

MyMommyMishaps: #ALittleBitOFilter

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You didn’t think I’d take a photo of myself for that one did ya’?

*Thank you’s: I had to borrow a few things to make this post possible. First, thank you to @kimkardashian. I know about 30 people total so I doubt it would be worth her time to care that I used her photos in my silly little blog. But nonetheless, they are public so I thank you. I found that awesome kitchen cleaning quote at funny-pictures.feedio.net. Sooooo funny! And finally I would like to thank favoritefamilyfoods.wordpress.com for the gingerbread train photo. Since neither me, my mom, nor my sister thought the train we made this Christmas was picture-worthy and my 3-year-old started eating it before it was totally done, I had to search for a picture that was similar to what ours looked like.

**No barbies were harmed in the making of this blog. Well, not physically at least.

“I have your stroller.” ~text I got from a lady in my new mom’s group

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Sometimes being a mom of multiple children proves to be a challenge for my tiny little brain. I’m not sure whether it is permanent damage from so many years of pregnancy brain, the early onset of sometimers, or maybe I’ve always been this absent-minded. Either way, I swear I’m getting stupider (see what I did there?).

Today’s brilliant mommy mishap occurred while attending a Mom’s group function. We just moved to a new state where we have no friends or family so the local mommy groups have been a great way for me to meet new people. Today’s particular group is full of bright, positive women and we all got to show off our children at the end. I’m so proud of my kids. They are reasonably well behaved, super cute and charming and only one of them was covered in cupcake frosting today. So proud as a peacock I left the function thinking what a nice time I had spending the whole morning with my new mom friends and how well my children behaved.

I packed up the giant suburban as I usually do. Baby first (making sure her pacifier was in her mouth), my crap second (purse, baby bag, toddler’s artwork covered in glitter with only 1/2 dried glue, a Christmas ornament I made, and a bottled water), and then finally the toddler (making sure her seat belt was secure and Ice Age was playing in the DVD player for our drive). Phewwww! Done. I hopped in the car and headed home.

And that’s when I got the text:

“I have your stroller. :)”

Dear Lord!!! I drove right off with the stroller sitting in the parking lot. Clearly I didn’t look behind me as I was driving off. Luckily the fantastic woman who got it for me was one of the 2 people that we have had a play date with so at least I know her a little. But after 30 seconds of being embarrassed I started laughing hysterically. I LEFT A STROLLER ABANDONED IN THE PARKING LOT OF A MOM’S GROUP!!! That is hilarious! My text back was this.

“At least one of my kids wasn’t still in it.”

I learned 2 valuable lessons from this experience:
1) Laugh at yourself and your imperfections. The laugh I had today was so refreshing and it got my toddler laughing too. We laughed all the way on the drive to pick up the poor abandoned stroller.
2) When pretending to be the perfect mom, don’t drive off with anything left outside of your car, kids or otherwise.

Happy Friday folks. I hope that my mishap is the worst that happened to all of us today.

Please read my “Mommy Knows Best” article in the latest issue of Healthstyle Magazine

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Healthstyle Magazine
Once again, my friends at Healthstyle Magazine have done a great job at putting out a magazine full of entertaining stories, helpful healthy hints and expert life advice. I was lucky enough to contribute to the Fall issue with an article titled “Mommy Knows Best” which talks about how to make sure your kids are the best (and safest) dressed kids as you stay active in this beautiful Fall weather.

I’m most proud that my 10-year-old daughter Anna reluctantly but most graciously assisted me by modeling the outfits for the article. She was such a trooper and I think she looks absolutely adorable.

Please click here to scroll through the fall issue of the magazine.

Enjoy!

What if I posted what I was really thinking on Facebook?

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What if I posted what I was really thinking on Facebook?

Do you want to know what kind of Facebook posts I enjoy reading the most? The raw, honest, often hilarious, self-deprecating ones where people are sharing real honest-to-goodness things that happen to them and are not embarrassed of what people might think or censoring themselves in any way.

I am probably the worst offender of the “typical Facebook” post. I post pictures of my adorable kids doing adorable things, I shout out when my husband brings me flowers, I tell funny stories about my day. Sometimes (in fact, most of the time) I actually think before pushing the share button “who gives a crap about this?”. But I send anyway because I can’t help myself. Maybe deep down it is my way of documenting my life. Or maybe I just think my life is so exciting that you all must immediately hear how awesome it is. Either way, my posts are, as are most of yours, really positive representations of what is not typically an entirely positive daily experience.

I love my life. I love the beauty in it. And I love the messiness of it. So why don’t I share everything with y’all? I promise I will not make this an everyday practice but wanted to make Wednesday, September 18th “authentic post” day and show you what I would be posting if I were to not censor myself. Things like this…..

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5 Reasons it Sucks to Talk to Me on the Phone

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1. It is a 100% guarantee one of my kids will want something from another one of my kids, they won’t get it, the kid that has the thing will purposely withhold the thing so that the kid without the thing will end up crying. Both kids will interrupt our call to tell me their side of the story. Telling them I’m on the phone and to work it out themselves only fuels their argument and both of them will probably cry.

2. Someone in my house will do one or a combination of the following things: poop, choke, cry or hurt themselves. I will try to rectify this situation while still talking to you but I probably will lose track of what I’m saying or more likely what you’re saying.

3. My toddler (who has watched Spongebob silently for the last 45 minutes) will suddenly find it imperative that she sings a song full of complete nonsense about bugs or her birthday or a bug’s birthday or something equally ridiculous. She will sing this loudly and obnoxiously until I scream (likely in your ear) or laugh (also likely in your ear).

4. At some point in our conversation I will probably have to pee. Depending on who you are I might just pee with you on the phone. Do not take this as a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. The more I pee, the more I love you.

5. About 5 minutes in you will regret your decision to call me and not your mother. At least when calling mom it is completely silent in the background and you can complete a sentence.