15 Airport Observations

1. Relative to the people at gate B2, I am super skinny

2. Americans don’t brush their hair

3. Not everyone in a wheelchair needs to be in one

4. I feel an overwhelming urge to check the authenticity of anyone I see carrying Louis Vuitton luggage

5. Children fall into only one of 2 categories: charming or nightmare

6. Married couples after the age of 50 start to look remarkably like each other

7. The smile to scowl ratio is 1:9

8. Airport lattes are made using bath water

9. I am super nosy and have to fight the urge to join in conversations with complete strangers

10. After Christmas everyone has a new hoodie

11. If I’m staring into your eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time and we don’t know each other then I am probably trying to figure out how you get your eyeliner so perfect

12. If any man, woman or child makes a stinky every person within a 10-foot radius will investigate with their nose and discuss with only their eyes

13. There are no blonde pilots

14. If Glade came out with an air freshener that was hot soft pretzel scent I would buy it in bulk

15. We will all die from coughing….eventually.

photo: serendipitylabs.com

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Dear Dude on the Airplane, You Are More Annoying Than My Baby

Dearest Dude,

I realize that as you walked on this airplane you noticed that the only seat left was behind a Mommy holding an infant.

I also realize that the first thought through your head was “oh crap, this baby is going to cry for 3-1/2 hours and annoy the hell out of me.” I could see it in your face as you looked at me, looked at the remaining seat, looked back around the plane, then looked back at me.

Well, dude, guess what? The joke’s on you. My baby was awesome. She slept for 2-1/2 hours. How about you?

Nope, you talked for over 2 hours LOUDLY to the point where a man 3 rows away had to tell you to quiet down.

Did you actually think those poor souls next to you cared that:
– you were working 16 hour days and decided to quit to pursue writing
– you sing Karaoke and Al Green is your go to artist
– you live in a make shift commune in a converted hotel
– your best friends are comedians so everyone thinks you are a comedian too
– you have friends in London so you go there all of the time

Trust me, nobody cares. They didn’t care. I didn’t care. My awesome sleeping baby didn’t care.

You are a person who gets off on the sound of their own voice but doesn’t get the hint when the person next to you puts their ear buds in that they would prefer you stop talking.

Oh, and by the way you are not just “one of those people who have a bass voice”. You are in fact one of those people who “just don’t shut up” and coming from someone who has lettered in talking a lot that must mean your talking is at an epic level.

So dude, learn to relax, read a book, watch a movie on your iPhone, or read freakin’ skymall 20 times. I don’t care.

But dear God please take a lesson from this adorable chubby baby on my lap and shut the hell up.

Thank you,
Mommy whose kid showed you up in 25D

Photo: http://www.navyaircrew.com