I bet there are approximately 2,349 reasons I should not be on this show, the most obvious being that I would be crying in the fetal position in less than 5 hours. But there are so many more complex reasons why I am not a good fit for this absolutely amazing 21-day test of survival and resilience on the Discovery Channel. If you haven’t watched it yet, you are totally missing out and should go back and marathon watch the entire first season. Trust me!
1. My middle-upper-class valley girl upbringing would earn me a starting PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) of 2.3 which basically means I can make a grilled cheese sandwich in a microwave and I know how to light my gas fireplace.
2. The longest I have gone without eating is 24 hours and that was for a colonoscopy prep so I had other things on my mind. If I was forced to go 8 or more days without even an ounce of food there is a great likelihood I would eat my own arm, or my partner’s.
3. It’s 21 days! Knowing my luck it would be my “lady time” while I was there and let’s face it, there’s no way I’m using tree leaves to control that business.
4. I’m not sure how many days it would take me to stop looking at my partner’s ding-dong. I mean, it’s right there. All. The. Time. I think my first order of business would be to craft some man panties out of vines and leaves so that we could move on in peace.
5. Bugs! I don’t enjoy chiggers, leaches, ants, or mosquitos under really any circumstances.
6. You know when you go camping for two days and the shower you take when you get home is the most glorious thing ever? Well, multiply how you feel five minutes before that shower by 10. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of filth.
7. I think I’d be one of those women who is crying hysterically on Day 5 because I miss my husband and kids so much. It’s really embarrassing to watch because you know it’s the thirst and starvation talking.
8. How would I watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in the jungles of Madagascar?
9. If it takes me and my partner several days to build shelter I highly doubt that the bathroom facilities would be up to the standards that I require.
10. I barely like to see myself naked, let alone invite 5 million people to check me out. And I’m quite sure the blurred bars they put across my privates wouldn’t really be hiding the reality that is my body after birthing 3 kids.
Image credit: woodtrekker.blogspot.com.
DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB 