5 Reasons it Sucks to Talk to Me on the Phone

1. It is a 100% guarantee one of my kids will want something from another one of my kids, they won’t get it, the kid that has the thing will purposely withhold the thing so that the kid without the thing will end up crying. Both kids will interrupt our call to tell me their side of the story. Telling them I’m on the phone and to work it out themselves only fuels their argument and both of them will probably cry.

2. Someone in my house will do one or a combination of the following things: poop, choke, cry or hurt themselves. I will try to rectify this situation while still talking to you but I probably will lose track of what I’m saying or more likely what you’re saying.

3. My toddler (who has watched Spongebob silently for the last 45 minutes) will suddenly find it imperative that she sings a song full of complete nonsense about bugs or her birthday or a bug’s birthday or something equally ridiculous. She will sing this loudly and obnoxiously until I scream (likely in your ear) or laugh (also likely in your ear).

4. At some point in our conversation I will probably have to pee. Depending on who you are I might just pee with you on the phone. Do not take this as a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. The more I pee, the more I love you.

5. About 5 minutes in you will regret your decision to call me and not your mother. At least when calling mom it is completely silent in the background and you can complete a sentence.

How Stumpy and Spike Came to Live at My House

We just became the proud parents of two baby bearded dragons (temporarily named Stumpy and Spike). This choice in pets was NOT my idea. My husband had a dragon in college and loved him and has always wanted to get another one. This added to the fact that my toddler is obsessed with all things dragon (the fairy tale, fire-breathing kind) was all it took to stop into the local Petsmart and become new parents, again.

When I saw them I thought they were pretty cute little babies and when I looked at my husband’s face I knew we wouldn’t leave without one. But after he picked out the one he wanted we saw that another one had 1/2 its tail missing. Sadly a bigger dragon had chomped his tail and he had to have it partially amputated. We knew no one would adopt him so we also brought home this “special needs” dragon (Stumpy).

Pre-Dragons my daily routine included many tasks that kept me wildly busy. I have a now-mobile infant that likes to constantly move, eat & poop. I have an extremely spirited toddler who likes to touch everything in sight, leave trails of crumbs and spills in her path and wants what she wants when she wants it. And then there are the 2 pre-teens which are pretty self-sufficient but are not in short supply of drama. So, I wasn’t necessarily looking for more things to do. But here I am…..

1. Dipping live crickets in a special blend of calcium and other unknown stuff and staring at the dragons for the better part of a 1/2 hour each morning to make sure they actually eat them and that Spike isn’t getting them all.

2. Spending another 1/2 hour a day as an amateur dragon sociologist studying their behavior. I’m always wondering why Spike is doing this and Stumpy is doing that. I feel oddly over-protective of Stumpy because of what he’s been through. My desire for the little ones in this house to get along clearly extends past the human variety.

3. Cleaning up dragon poo. (I seriously didn’t need to clean up anyone else’s poop…I was at my quota already). I highly doubt Calisi has to clean up her dragons’ crap.

4. Gently mysting the dragons with water 2x per day. Ya’ know, because the Dean Dragon Day Spa is the place to be if you are a dragon who wants to get pampered.

So basically, these little dragon babies have added more to my plate than I thought. But I am astonished at how much I can love these little boogers. They really have their own personalities and are fun to watch. They apparently live an average of 8 to 10 years so let’s see how I feel in a few years. But for now, I welcome them to the family.

How I scored an 8 out of 8 on “Biggest Mistakes New Moms Make”

When I was pregnant last Fall I subscribed to every baby app and online newsletter that existed. One was a newsletter called the Bump. Any of you get that one? Well, I got an email today which had a headline that caught my eye, Biggest Mistakes New Moms Make. Since I am now a seasoned mother of not one but THREE munchkins I was sure that there was no way I made any mistakes this third time around when I delivered my baby in December. Pulllleease!

Boy was I wrong. According to the fine experts at the Bump, I’m a complete an utter failure. This is only made more comical by the fact that you would think I’d have learned the first (or at least second) time around. Nope, not so much.

NOT FOCUSING ON HEALING
What is healing? I was shopping at Target the day after I squeezed this last little human out of my hoo-ha. My adrenaline was at epic levels those first couple days and I could’ve lifted a city bus if I needed to.

BECOMING A HERMIT
If becoming a hermit means not showering for days at a time, thinking pajamas are appropriate attire to go out and get the mail in and talking out loud to yourself to the point where you laugh at your own jokes about yourself to yourself, well then color me hermit.

STEWING ABOUT NOT STICKING TO YOUR BIRTH PLAN
My birth plan this third time around was to be walking through the hallway of the labor and delivery unit and have the baby slide right out. So technically I blame my doctor and the baby for this not going according to my plan. I was totally on board.

NOT GETTING HELP WITH BREASTFEEDING ISSUES
I’ve been lucky enough to have a good bunch of eaters. I will admit that this time around it started to hurt and instead of doing something about it I decided to just tough it out hard-core style. Probably not the smartest decision I’ve ever made.

STRESSING ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING
All I need to say here is a public apology to my husband, “Sorry Dear.” I was pretty tightly wound. Every thing I stressed about he would remind me that it happened with our others and then I would remember and calm down. That baby brain and pregnancy amnesia is a very stiff cocktail.

NOT SAYING YES TO OFFERS TO HELP
I suck at this. ‘Nuff said.

TAKING ADVICE THAT GOES AGAINST YOUR GUT
I suck at this too. Sometimes at peak stress and sleep deprivation the 15 people chirping in your ear can break you down. I appreciate advice greatly but I would say 95% of the time Mommy & Daddy know best.

COMPARING YOUR BABY TO YOUR FRIEND’S
I do this. Not in a competitive my-baby-is-better-than-yours way, but I will admit that when some of my other Mommy friends do things it reminds me of how I have completely forgotten to do something. A couple of months ago my best friend (who also has a newborn) asked me when you are supposed to switch nipple size on your bottles. My answer was I couldn’t remember. My inner dialogue was “oh, crap…I forgot to go up in nipple size, sorry its been like trying to suck a tennis ball through a garden hose baby girl.”

What I concluded by reading this article was that I did everything exactly as it should’ve been done. Not perfectly by any means, but perfectly for me, my baby and my family. My babies are happy and healthy and quite spirited, so I’m pretty proud of the “Big Mistakes” this mommy has made.